Beauty Secrets
by Sabaku-no-Ai
Summary: Mello likes talking to himself, about himself. But rare is the occasion when he decides to spill his innermost secrets. Time to take advantage.
1. Introduction

**Title: **Beauty Secrets

**Author: **Sabaku-no-Ai

**Disclaimer: **If Death Note was mine, I wouldn't be writing in something like Mello here.

* * *

You know those one-out-of-many-shots kind of fics where in a person answers questions sent in by the readers? Well this is one of them. I've been hired for some amount of time to answer your questions regarding my 'Beauty Secrets'. I'm not really sure why they chose me, but I admit I do have the best sense of fashion out of everyone in Death Note. Also, I'm getting paid, so it's no problem.

In this fic, we plan to focus on beauty secrets and fashion tips (courtesy of moi), but you can include random questions, too (though…not too many, because I'm not paid for that). Please e-mail them to (it's my manager's e-mail…not mine. Got it?)

Be sure to include your username in your e-mail, and write the subject as **Beauty Secrets** so that my manager won't accidentally trash it as spam. You may send in as many questions as you like. I'll be posting them here, so check back.

Anyway, I'll be waiting.

From, Mello.

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**A/N: **I kinda got addicted to these kinds of fics. KEEP E-MAILING THEM Qs! 


	2. Determined

**A/N:** Thank you for your questions (I realize the e-mail couldn't be seen…). Mello will answer them shortly. Meanwhile, please continue sending in your questions to: **SNOWRABBIT399** (at) **GMAIL** (dot) **COM** . But please put a subject related to Mello so that I can put it in the fic. :)

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From: Determined  
**Subject:** Beauty Secrets  
Hiya Mello! I was wondering, what do ya use on your hair to keep it so cool-looking? 

-----------

Dear Determined,  
I use shampoo, duh. And the occasional conditioner. Man, don't you people have hair products from where you're from? But let me tell you about how to choose the right shampoo; because some can really kill the locks, y'know? Don't always believe the labels. And I have no idea how mashed plants (ie aloe vera) are supposed to make your hair straight. Just stick with your old trusty brand, like I did with my chocolate. Oh, wait, that's not the subject, is it?

Sincerely, Mello

* * *

**From:** kasai tenshi  
**Subject:** Beauty Secrets  
Mello,  
Are you dying your hair? Who's your stylist?  
And...when from did you start liking chocolate?

We, fangirls, love you :P

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Dear kasai tenshi,  
WTF? FTW?! I am NOT dying my hair, woman! How dare you say that! And another thing, I don't have a stylist. This is all natural, babe. sways hair around I don't really see the point in this Q&A thing because something as great as my hair would never be able to be copied anyway:/

Regarding the chocolate…well, since I could remember, I've loved it. CHOCOLATE IS MY BEST FRIEND (Matt doesn't count). I don't remember what my 1st piece of chocolate was, but I'm sure it had nuts in them. Ironically, now, I hate nuts. They ruin the smooth texture of the chocolate!

…Oh, and thank you. Let the fangirls know I love them too. Keep the chocolate gifts coming! AND DON'T SEND NUTS!

Sincerely, Mello

* * *

**A.N.:** Ok, keep the questions coming! **snowrabbit399 gmail . com**


	3. The Chick Three

**A/N:** Thanks for those who reviewed/messaged. :D Mello loves your questions so--sees him shake his head frantically in the corner--keep sending them in! Random or not, he'll answer them...or else. ;D (Please send them to **snowrabbit399**(at)**gmail**(dot)**com** or through a review.)

* * *

**From:** The Chick Three 

**Subject:** Sadistic Tendencies

Okay so Mello we have a very serious problem at hand. I have just kidnapped Matt AND in order to save him before I violently rape him you have to give ALL THE CHOCOLATE IN THE WORLD! So what do you choose? Saving the sexilicious Matty and never eat chocolate again... Or let ME, a psychotic rabid Matt-fangirl, have Matt all to herself. Personally I'd be totally okay if you chose option number two... starts molesting the red-head... but I just wanted to get your opinion before I make my move. So yeh. Have fun answering that one.

And just for kicks I'll ask a beauty question.. Are you born with it or is it Maybelline? xP

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Dear The Chick Three,

Three words: What are you implying? Are you saying that Matt and I are together or something?! Because we totally aren't! This is absurd! You people are sick! I don't care what you do with him, just don't touch my chocolate!

...But wait...how the hell did you get Matt? He's supposed to be ball-gagged and tied in my baseme--oh shit, forget I said anything.

Sincerely, Mello

ps. Maybelline got nothing on me.

* * *

**A/N:** Zomg, did Mello just accidentaly spill his secret?! YES! And that is what this fic is for. So if you want to see more, keep sending in your questions. ;D (Luv luv luv) 


	4. schoolgirlcheesesculpture

**A/N: **Yay for interrogating Mello until he cries!

* * *

**From: **schoolgirl-cheesesculpture  
**Subject: **Trick Question  
Ok...I got a hard one for you...How do you fit anything in your tight, leather pants?

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Dear schoolgirl-cheesesculpture,  
You're damn right they're tight. And it's a wonder to me, too. I mean, it's hard because there's a lot of me needed to fit. But here's the thing: extra buttons.

Sincerely, Mello

* * *

**A/N: **I hope you get what he's saying…because he refuses to elaborate. XD; 


	5. Fatal Error

**A/N: **Thanks for your questions guys! Keep them coming! Whether it be about Mello's love of chocolate, of love of hair products, or love of Matt---gets bonked on the head- Ouch...

* * *

**From: **Fatal Error  
**Subject: **Boy Troubles! 

Dear Mello,  
I have a problem I need your help with. It seems that you've spent a lot of time around Thugs and such in your mafia days. So it is only appropriate to assume you somehow made them presentable...and maybe found a way to make them smell good too? Anyway, I need to know how I should go about giving my bad-boy boyfriend a makeover. You know the type with lots of tattoos and a lip ring? What do you suggest I do to make him more fashionable...And smell better?

Thanks!  
Fatal Error  
(PS. where did you get your pants?)

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Dear Fatal Error,  
You are correct. Hm, yeah…I remember the days when I just arrived. They were always wearing these stupid baggy pants and awful hats that give them hat hair. And yes, they smelled _horrible_. Somehow though, Matt still smells. Does he stop those video games to take a bath once in a while? Or it's probably because of the cigarettes. I tell him to lay off (the chocolate tastes smoke-y), but whatever.

Hm…I don't necessarily think lip rings aren't fashionable. I wanted to get one when I was younger, but Near suggested that ants would crawl up my face if I didn't clean it of chocolate. Of course I didn't believe him…but now I know it's actually possible.

Tattoos? If it's of a Disney character, I suggest you make him wear long-sleeves 24/7. If it's of me, let him go around naked.

With that said, my only advice for you is to never have him smoking, and him to make sure to clean his ring…or suffer the consequences. Oh, and submerge him in cold water for 15-minutes, with 20 seconds for breathing every 2 minutes. Make him use his mortal enemy, soap, whether he likes it or not.

Sincerely, Mello  
ps. Gucci, where else?

* * *

**A/N: **Mello would want everyone to know in addition to the above, that he _can _afford Gucci. …yeah, with all the people he's been stealing from…gets bonked again ;; 


	6. Datermined 2

**A/N: **Thank you for your reviews. And I am proud to say that there are SOME people out there that are NOT too lazy to actually e-mail me! Thank you!

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**From**: Determined  
**Subject: **Flawless Skin and Teeth  
Why don't you have cavities with all that chocolate you eat? Or pimples...:)

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Dear Determined,  
You again? Uh, anyway. One, I use tooth paste. Two, I use a "pimple-free" cream. It's only $2.99 in Wal-Mart. I think I heard Raito ask around for my skin product, though. He's envious because I've got cleaner pores than he does…that stupid Kira.

Sincerely, Mello

* * *

**A/N: **This is a reference to a comic by someone in Deviant Art. ;) 


	7. Hanako

**A/N: **Thanks for the questions, kids! Mello lives to make the world more beautiful! …Or at least look like him.

* * *

**From**: Hanako  
**Subject: **I love Mello and Beauty Secrets  
I love you will you marry me? Matt can come too, but you're keeping him in the basement if so -giggles- but seriously Will you marry me?

Love,  
Hanako  
(P.S. where'd you get that sexeh coat??)

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Dear Hanako,  
If you have money and information on Kira and his whereabouts, then yes, I will marry you. Oh, and if you get me his Death Note, I might just say I love you, too. And Matt would just stink up the basement because of his cigarettes. But seriously.

Sincerely, Mello  
ps. Gucci, I tell you. Everything I wear is from Gucci, except for my shoes. Those babies are from Prada.

* * *

**A/N:** Haha. XD; KEEP THE QUESTIONS COMING! I will most probably (force Mello to) answer them faster if you send them by email. ;) **snowrabbit**(at)**gmail**(dot)**com**. 


	8. Aruslym Matt replacement!

**A/N: **Mello's out sick today…so Matt will replace. Sorry for the inconvenience. :(

* * *

**From**: Aruslym  
**Subject: **Beauty Secrets  
Dear Mello,  
This is just a simple question out of curiosity after reading Chapter God-Knows-What (I don't make it a point to remember every chapter by heart like some rabid fangirls), but how on Earth did you actually survive that explosion? I remember you putting on a gasmask, but how would a gasmask protect you from a bomb (unless it was a smoke bomb, I really see no point)?

Also (this one is simply because most of us are perverted idiots and make perverted assumptions when left to our own devices) why did you drag Matt along? Couldn't you have just done all the research, spying, and other crap by yourself?

Thanks for your time,  
Aru  
(P.S. – Random beauty question, do you paint your nails?)

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Dear Aruslym,  
Eh? Ooh, that bomb thing. Right. Well, y'know, I have no idea how Mello survived. Just kinda happy he did, eh? Oh, and I'll have you know that the gasmask is made from reinforced carbofluorocalci-whatever. It's really strong, y'know. So the shrapnel'd bounce like off like Mario would off a mushroom. Ching!

Hahaha! Why would Mello drag me along…hmm…well, primarily because I have an awesome bike. And way-cool goggles. Mello can't do shizzle without me—oh shit!

-frantically backspacing-

Stupid Matt! I'm not sick! Idiot made that up just to check my e-mail! Anyway, yes I could've done the stuff by myself. He wanted to come! I had nothing to do with—shut up, Matt!—it. He can't live without me even for a second!

Sincerely, Mello  
ps. Why would I paint my nails? I'm wearing GLOVES.

* * *

**A/N:** Heheh. Hope you all get the transaction. E-mail questions to: **snowrabbit**(at)**gmail**(dot)**com**. 


	9. Determined 3

**A/N: **Here we go…haha. Short questions have short answers, y'know.

* * *

**From:** Determined  
**Subject:** XD!  
MUAHAHAHA, me again! So bored man...anyway Mello, if you were a girl, would you look EXACTLY like Misa?

...00...

...Wow...

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Dear Determined,  
Stop e-mailing me /:O!

Sincerely, Mello  
ps. I'm way prettier than that -beep-!

* * *

**A/N: **No offense to Determined! It's just part of the IC thing. ;D 


	10. Hanako 2

**A/N: **Bwahaha. A lot of people have been replying to Mello's answers. Which is good and all, because Mello lacks a social life. Keep 'em coming!

* * *

**From:** Hanako  
**Subject:** Beauty Secrets and Marriage  
Dear mello,

I bet this is the first reply you've gotten to an answer but anyway, I can do better then all that, I can get you the most...chocolate-y chocolate in the WORLD and money and information on kira...MAYBE...if you're a good boy And we'll get a seperate house for the smoker, can't let the chocolate get smokey can we??

Love Hanako(Again),  
(P.s) Have you ever thought of trying to use your scar to get more fan's?

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Dear Hanako,

Will it kill you to capitalize my name? I'm better than a worthless lowercased noun or adjective! I'm a PRONOUN, geez! And no, a lot of people have replied to my answers. They're all annoying. Kinda like you. But since you're giving me chocolate and information, I'll consider you special.

And what do you mean by 'good boy'? I haven't been told that since I was in the Whammy House. Who are you, Watari in disguise? In that case, I'm NOT marrying you! Ick.

Hasn't my scar gotten me fans already? Matt suggested me to use puppy eyes and act all cute and say to Raito, "My scar hurts ever so much…the only thing that will make it better is that if you admit you are Kira" –puppy dog blink-

Sincerely, Mello  
ps. Oh, and I don't need your money, honey. I have enough of my own.

* * *

**A/N: **OWN?! HE STEALS! FROM OTHER PEOPLE!! How can it be his OWN?!?! –gets shot- x.x 


	11. Hoko

**A/N: **Yay for questions! I force Mello to answer first the ones in e-mail, so please e-mail them! Thank you. ;)

* * *

**From:** Hoko  
**Subject:** Mello/Matt's sexuallity, Near, and hair straighteners  
Mello/Matt,  
Are you gay? No straight guy is that hot cries. As they say all hot guys are either gay, taken, or fictional. By the way... What did Near ever do to you? You know the two of you could have been friends? -Hoko  
P.S. Do you straighten your hair?

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Dear Hoko,  
Let's address that Near thing first. Yeah, I've told Mello about what he thought life would be like if he and Near were friends. But man, you should have seen what Near did to Mello back in the Whammy House. Even _I _couldn't forgive Near! It was just…so…bad. Sigh…it was horrible. Anyway, there.

Oh, and I think I saw Mello holding an iron to his hair, so maybe. Because its either that or he was trying to scar himself again. I doubt it. You know how much he freaked when he got that scar from the bomb? He cried all night, saying he'd never be pretty again. To which I said, "aw, no, you're always pretty to me!"

And blah! As long as the sex feels good and it's not hurting anyone (besides the people who hurt you), gender/sexuality does not matter! Oh crap…! Gotta go

-backspacing-

…Gahd! Matt found out my password last night and has been trying to answer my e-mails by himself. Anyway, don't listen to him. These are MY Beauty Secrets, not his. He barely even has any secrets. …Or beauty. -.-;

Sincerely, Mello

* * *

**A/N: **So…yeah. I'm assuming the –backspacing- part is where Matt tried to run away from Mello and his iron. XD; 


	12. The Chick Three 2

**A/N: **Bwahaha. A lot of people have been replying to Mello's answers. Which is good and all, because Mello lacks a social life. Keep 'em coming!

* * *

**From:** The Chick Three  
**Subject:** Beauty Secrets!  
-giggles- If Matty's really there with you... My question for you is if you can ask Matt a question for me. :3 Ask him where he get's HIS clothes because I love them and want them. Heck if you can actually give me HIS clothes that would work even better ;D No offense, Mello, leather's great and all, but those cargo pants of Matt's belong in the Louvre.

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Dear The Chick Three,  
Hah! This isn't ONLY leather! It's GUCCI leather! Always remember that I won't settle for anything under $1599.95! And I don't really know where Matt got those clothes of his (as long as it wasn't the green shorts he wore back in the Whammy House…), but you can have them. He looks better without them anyway.

Sincerely, Mello  
ps. Whoops, did I just say that?

* * *

**A/N: **Help donate to the "Give Mello a Social Life" fund! You automatically send $2 for every email to Mello sent to **snowrabbit399**(at)**gmail**(dot)**com**! 


	13. Aruslym 2

**A/N: **Mello has a social life now. Congratulate him by e-mailing at **snowrabbit399**(at)**gmail**(dot)**com**!

**From:** Aruslym

**Subject:** Curiosity…

Mello, how did you manage to save Matt from The Chick Three? I'm curious :)

P.S. - I don't know why you would paint your nails, but I saw you painting them black in some doujin I read... I think it was in Meronia Max... eh who cares, Pink Sniper and Love Traveling were SO much better :P

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Dear Aruslym,

You again? You people like flooding my Inbox like crazy!

Anyway, it's really easy. Matt came back when he was out of cigarettes. The end.

Sincerely, Mello

ps. …I have no idea what you are talking about. What are doujin?

**A/N: **Tsk. Poor innocent Mello has no idea what fancomics are. YAOI FANCOMICS, none the less. Tsk tsk.


	14. Emochild

**A/N: **Mello is in a strangely happy -hahaha- mode. XD;

**From:** Emochild

**Subject:** Beauty Secrets

Dear Mello,

How do you stay so slim and fit? do you exercise, or do you have a high metabolism? Also, have you ever been a gf/bf relationship with anyone in the Wammy House? Please tell. Are you still in the relationship with him/her?

From, your adoring fan forever,

Emochild 0.o

p.s. There have been many comments about you being a girl. Are you? please say no.

----------

Dear Emochild,

Let me share you a story. Back when I was in the Whammy House, I was a frail and weak little kid who was constantly bullied and called names such as "doofus" and "emotionally unsure" and "intellectually challenged"…oh wait, that's Near. Ha!

Are you kidding?! I have always been slim and fit! So much so that I never needed to exercise or diet! Ya'll wish to be like me. Hahaha!

Relationship? Well, not anything serious. All the girls, and even some boys (-coughNearcough-) wanted me, but I had to turn them all down because maintining 4-5 girlfriends is hard for a 10-year old.

Sincerely, Mello

ps. WHO SAID SO!?! LET ME AT THEM! I'M GONNA KILL THEM!!

**A/N: **Aww crap, that comment got him all upset. D:!


	15. 1 DeathGoddess

**A/N: **Hmm…more people have been e-mailing. Good, good. ;D

**From:** 1 DeathGoddess

**Subject:** Psst!

Hi Mello-kun! First off, My friend and I totally love both you and Matt, tell Matt we say hi. My question is, why don't you where a holister for you gun? Why do you put it in your pants? And in the front of all places. Does your gun make up for "something"...? Oh, and my friend wants to know where Matt gets his awesome goggles.

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Dear 1 DeathGoddess,

Matt says "Yo."

Why, is it wrong to have a conveniently placed pocket?! Holisters are for dummies (so are nut-filled chocolate, but whatever). But I'll have to be honest. With how tight these stupid (yet uber cool) pants are, they make my "something" look like "nothing". But everyone knows that I have "everything".

Sincerely, Mello

ps. …They're just swimming goggles, y'know.

**A/N: **I'd be a surprise if Mello even had "anything". –gets shot- D:!


	16. Anise

**A/N: **Whoop-dee-do. Death Note isn't mine….blah blah.

**From:** Anise

Subject: Beauty Secrets and I Love You Mello!

Hi Mello!

I absolutely love your fashion sense and that's why i want to ask you: where

did you get it? it's natural? or you've been taking classes?

Love,

Anise

(ps: Will you marry me? i have TONS of CHOCOLATE and i know who's Kira)

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Dear Anise,

I swear it's natural. I mean, there aren't any fashion classes in the Whammy House! Are you kidding me? Do you think Watari is fashionable? Or Roger? OR NEAR!

…I didn't think so.

Sincerely, Mello

ps. If that's the case, let's set the wedding to June 23rd. Make sure it's after 3PM because I'm watching Extreme Make-Over: Home Edition on TiVo from 1-2.

**A/N: **ZOMG. A wedding?! I heart weddings! Let me just get my pretty dress. Meanwhile, keep sending those questions in! **snowrabbit399**(at)**gmail**(dot)**com**.


	17. Fatal Error 2

**A/N (PLEASE READ!): **To be honest guys, Mello's having a hard time answering everything, saying that 5+ chapters (if we go with the usual 1 question per chapter) a day is spoiling the fans. **So let's do it like this**: The first 4 _best_ questions (sent my email!) will be given a much, MUCH, _**MUCH**_better chance of being answered (thus making it 4 chapters per update). And by best I mean: Not one-liners, funny and thought-provoking. Stupid questions are _not necessarily okay. _Try making them UNIQUE, but with sense. **PLEASE**. I'll be posting this in the next few updates just in case people don't see it and/or think I'm not serious. Mello is, in fact, very serious. I'm sorry it has to be this way! I'll try to slip some extras if I can.

**From:** Fatal Error

**Subject:** Hello Again!

Hey again Mello,

If you want to rant at me for sending in another question go ahead, it would totally make my day. You are very cute when you ramble, I hope you know that.

Anyway, I've always wondered this, would you or Matt win in a game of "gay chicken" with each other? And don't blow off my question and say "I have no idea what that is, so shut up and stop e-mailing me unless you have Kira information". Here is a definition for you:

Gay chicken is a game where two people of the same sex (and preferably straight) put their faces closer and closer until one of them chickens out. If none of them do, then they get closer until they kiss.

Oh and for the sake of beauty, how many hours of beauty sleep do you require/recommend?

Fatal Error

----------

Dear Fatal Error,

Me? Cute?! A gang leader and super-cool uber-smart detective person like me isn't supposed to be cute! Since I'm a sadist, I'm NOT going to ramble. So there, I hope you suffer. -sticks tongue out-

Eh? Gay chicken? _Please_…I know that that is! And I'm going to win! Matt may beat me at Street Fighter, but he won't dare to Hadouken me when I have my gun. And what a stupid game! I can't even eat chocolate properly while playing. But still, I'm going to win—hm? What was that?! Hah, Matt said he won't lose either. Pfft, I'll show him! I'm gonna kiss him so hard that he'll—shit!

Sincerely, Mello

ps. Beauty sleep is only for those who need it. I'm beautiful enough.

**A/N: **Thank you Fatal Error for that nice question. ;D This is the reason why this fic exists: To expose Mello's secrets! Anyway, **PLEASE READ THE A/N AT THE TOP IF YOU HAVEN'T YET. **And with that said, please send your Qs to:** snowrabbit399**(at)**gmail**(dot)**com**.


	18. the Chick Three 3

**A/N (PLEASE READ!): **Mello has been whining about having to answer _every single question_, so he wanted to say: "Okay you brats, I've been spoiling you with 5+ chapters nearly every time, and I'm getting sick of it! So listen up. **The first 4 best questions to be submitted by email will have a ****BIGGER**** chance of being answered**. Best means: not one-liners/too short, unique and funny. Why email? Because I want to." Please heed his words!

BTW, I wonder about 2 questions a chapter (sometimes, depending on the length). What do you think? Send a review.

**From:** The Chick Three

**Subject:** How'd You!

!!! MATT!! How'd did you get away from me?!?!?!?! -stands wearing a wedding dress and holding bouquet- I thought we were going to live happily ever after together. Why must Mello always take you away from meee? –plots Mello's death-

Eheh.. Dun worry I'm not doing anything evil. So Mello-kun, I was actually interested in what kind of music you listen to. Are you a rap/hip hop kinda guy? Gangsta music? Heh... "Yo yo yo dis is gangstur M breakin' it down, homie dawgs." equals You. :3 Or perhaps you are an emo type for all your depression. But then.. you also seem very angry. Yes. Angry at the world. So does that make you SCREAMO? Maybe you just like indie rock. HAH I bet you listen to Christina Aguilera, Jessica Simpson and BRITNEY SPEARS. :3 You kinda dress like Christina and Brittany during their dirty phases. But hell, maybe you like soft, peaceful... hippie music. Idk. So what's your music, Mello?

Sincerely,

La Chica Tres 

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Dear The Chick Three,

Pfft! As if Matt would want to marry you over m—er, AS IF YOU CAN KILL ME!

Hm. Well, I'm not _that _much into music since I never really get to hear it over Matt's video games and all the other gangs being all drunk and noisy. But on the rare occasion, I get to listen to that…uhm, what do you call that band? Uhm, Rolling Rocks? And that one…Guns With Roses. Yup. Pretty names.

Depressed? Who are you calling depressed?! Do I look depressed to you! Unlike Near, I'm nowhere near to being emo. And those rap songs. I can't understand them. They talk to fast and the cuss like they own the world (_I OWN THE WORLD_)! I just want to shoot them! But I won't, because they probably have those huge bodyguards with guns…or maybe they themselves have guns. Whatever.

Aren't those indie rock listeners the ones who wear vintage clothes? My manager likes vintage/indie rock, but I for one think it's a horrible, horrible blow to fashion. And those hippies…they're an even BIGGER blow to fashion.

Sincerely, Mello

**A/N: **What a fun question. XD! Excuse Mello for forgetting the band names…he can never remember names. La Chica Tres has been my personal favorite as of late. I took the liberty to correct some spelling mistakes you had with Christina and Britney's name. And I also had to take out some smileys because they won't show up properly once this is posted. Hope you don't mind! Please send your Qs to:** snowrabbit399**(at)**gmail**(dot)**com**.


	19. ShinaChama

**A/N (PLEASE READ!): **Ahh…it's getting hard to maintain 5+ updates every time. Primarily because Mello's typing fingers are about to fall off. Want to help him? Then listen up: **The 4 best questions sent by email will have a ****OMGTHATSBIG**** chance to being answered. **Please understand.

**From:** ShinaChama

**Subject:** Beauty Secrets and About Yourself Mello!

Mello,

I know you are really hate Near, but...do you really really thinking like that in deep your heart?? And did you know that Near was eating a chocolate after Kira's case? What do you think about that?

And Mello, you're really pretty in the photo! don't kill me please!!! I'm just telling the truth!! And i wonder, do you notice that you are more cool when you have the scar? Ok then, bye!

PS: I'm sorry if my English is really really really bad. I can't speak English really good!

Please tell matt i say hi! 

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Dear ShinaChama,

Bah, I don't have a heart. And even if I did, Near wouldn't be in it. And what? Chocolate?! Near?!? EATING?!?! He must has stolen it from my stash after I di—er, uh, went to the bathroom and never came back out! He must have! Curse him!

Eh? What photo? I agree with you; I'm pretty in every photo. Maybe except my 2nd grade Whammy House picture. I lost my front tooth to the Tooth Fairy. Curse that stupid Fairy for not giving me the $500 I wished for! Oh wait, that was Santa.

Oh, and again, I agree with you. While my scar is deathly itchy, I look cool no matter what. Even with half of my face burned off. …Oh man, when it's said that way, I feel horrible…-sniff-

Sincerely, Mello

**A/N: **Shina, I took the liberty to fix some of your spaces because it looked a little weird. But I pretty much kept it all the same. Hope you don't mind.** Have you read the A/N above? **Then please send your Qs to:** snowrabbit399**(at)**gmail**(dot)**com**.


	20. Raito Ame

**A/N: **Mello is glad to receive longer, more unique questions. Clap for yourselves! (**Reminder: The first 4 best i.e. not one-liners, unique and funny questions sent by email will have a better chance of being answered**).

* * *

**From:** Raito Ame  
**Subject:** Oye, Mello :D  
Hello to my dear deranged Mello-kun,

First of all, what is it with that girly email address? O.o Do you have a secret cute-things fetish you're not telling us about? Oh, but I wanted to ask this. Ahem. Well, there's a scene in the Death Note movie where L is eating chocolate... are you jealous? Or more likely pissed of 'cos of having your trademark food stolen... Chocolate is good! Tell me, Mello, if I eat a bar every day will I be as beautiful as you? ;-; I don't see why anyone would think you're a girl... Near is the one I thought was female for a while. (Although... there was that time... a rather ambiguous shot of your boots and coat, when I seriously thought, "Who is that woman?" XO Hey, I realized my mistake!) I love the way you eat your choccy. You just BITE it! Like you have a grudge against it!! XP I think I shall have to copy you now... d'you mind? ;;n.n Anyway, I'm curious to what anime you like watching. Yes, the fans want to know! (It would be pretty strange if you said something like Azumanga Daioh... O.o) But I must stop asking the endless questions. Sayonara!

- Raito Ame

PS: I heard you're arriving in LA in 2009! That's pretty close to where I live...I'll be seeing you there, then, yes? 3

----------

Dear Raito Ame,  
I already told you. The e-mail isn't mine, it's my manager's. She handles the reading/receiving of the mails. Plus, she's had this address since she was 11. Excuse her and her "cute-thing fetishes". And hell yeah I'm pissed at my copyright food being stolen, but its L we're talking about! L is god! He can do whatever he wants with me and with chocolate! …NO, MY DEAR, you will NEVER be as beautiful as me no matter what you do. And if you claim to be my fan, wouldn't you rather give me all your chocolate instead?

People think that only females can have awesome hair. Near does not have awesome hair. I am the one who has awesome hair, so people think I'm a girl. But that's absurd, and a very bad sexist comment. Can't men have awesome hair?!

I don't have a grudge on chocolate, never. Maybe you saw those pictures of how I ate my chocolate while the gang and I were talking about Near/Kira. Now THOSE two are who I have grudges on. Hmm…if I get enough people to copy me, I might have my own cult! BWAHAHAHAHA!!

Anime? Eh, uhh…I think I accidentally shot the TV when Matt played his movie too loud. Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children, was what he was watching. And that girl with the big boobs had a really annoying voice, so…

Sincerely, Mello  
ps. Sure, you can treat me to McDonalds.

* * *

**A/N: **Thank you! Mail Qs to: **snowrabbit399**(at)**gmail**(dot)**com**. 


	21. The Chick Three 4

**A/N: **Mello has only one comment on the next e-mail: "WTF? Weirdo. But I appreciate the honest attempt at being stupid/entertaining." Quote unquote. (**Reminder: The first 4 best i.e. not one-liners, unique and funny questions sent by email will have a better chance of being answered**).

* * *

**From:** The Chick Three  
**Subject:** PFFFFFFFFT!  
YEAH RIGHT, BLONDIE, MATT SOOOOO LOVES ME MORE! Just ask him. He'll tell you. xP He'll say "Oh I think if I go with this girl I will not have my face blown to smithereens. Sounds good." AND I'll have you know I could kill you! -pulls out a bazooka- WHANNA GO, GIRLY MAN?!

Anyways. So Mello, I totally had a dream with you in it the other night. Twas very odd. You were a student in my school. It started off just me in class but we were being taught by Jack Skellington. That was probably a result from me watching the Nightmare Before Christmas before I went to bed. (Ever seen that movie? Eh.. moving on) And you were having in trouble in math so I had to help which is terribly off because I fail at math. I mean, you're the genius, do it yourself But anyways. As I was helping you with a problem (all I remember is it being a bunch of numbers on paper) when you brought out a chocolate bar. I yelled at you to pay attention and stole your chocolate. But then I began to eat it for myself. It may have been dream chocolate but it was very good. But of course you got all pissy and threatened my but I just said "MMMMMMMMMMMMM this choclit ish sooooo good! -sticks out tongue-" And then you ran out into the hall yelling "I'LL GET YOU FOR THAT BETCH (just as soon as I get more chocolate)" And you left me alone in a room full of creep Halloween Town characters. That wasn't very cool I was alone and afraid. SOOOO I followed you out in the hall.

When I went out into the hall it turned out to be all jungle-like which is ironic because I had another dream one time where the halls of my school were all jungle-like. But that was last year and that dream had nothing to do with Death Note characters. MOVING ON. I saw you talking to my friend, Anna, who was asking you wear you got your pants and you were all like "GUCCI PANTS YAYAYAY" And I was like "ehhhhhhhhh..." but then I saw my friend Ginger riding in elephant in the halls and I just HAD to join because I love elephants. So I hop on the elephant with Ginger and Ginger yells "GO, ELEPHANT, GO!" But the elephant curtly replies "My name is Lindsey. " And I was like "Ew-wowwwwwwwwww" Because it had a man's voice. Now it reminds me of Lindsey Lohan, which I find rather humorous. So we the elephant takes us off to the 7th grade wing of the school. I pass lots of teachers and people on the way there and I'm overjoyed to see my science teacher being eaten my a lion. D But that is random. And then I see my whore-of-a-friend, who's name is Liz, talking to Matt. I know this only because Matt is a red-head and Liz is attracted to red-heads (NOT AS MUCH AS ME)(She has an obsession with that Shaun White-snowboarding-man who I do not expect you to know) but she is comparing Matt to a character from a book she read whose name name is John Miller. And how dare she compare my beloved Matt to some some red-head drummer from a BOOK. Don't you agree Mello? Matt is much better. So this is how it went:

Me: WHORE! -jumps down from elephant- Stop trying to see if Matt wants to be in your stupid This Lullaby cast! He's much too cool than your sissy John Miller.  
Liz: SHUT UP! John Miller is awesome and he's not gay with Dexter!  
Me: I never said he was you defensive lil twa-!  
Matt: -ignores us and looks around, then walks towards Ginger-  
And then all the sudden this is happening in Ginger's point of view. Odd, isn't that?  
Matt: Hey you.  
Ginger: Me?  
Matt: Yeah. Have you seen Mello anywhere?  
Ginger: I don't know who that is.. :3  
Matt: He's a blond guy, probably wearing really tight leather. Has a big scar on his face...  
Ginger: OHHHH the new metrosexual kid! Yeah I've seen him. He was talking to this really really short girl that way -points-  
Matt: Kay thanks. -walks off-

That was it for you and Matt for awhile. What came next had to do with ferosious tigers, Winnie The Pooh, teachers, and Light and L. I didn't think to bother you with all that because it has nothing to do with YOU, yeh egotistical gang leader. Plus, I didn't want to make this thing twice as long as it already is. I know it's long, I apologize. Gomen. But I have a question, don't worry.

So the next time you come into my dream is I'm riding a heffalump instead with Ginger, L and Light. We're all good friends from a previous dream I had, you see. And we come across you again but you were wearing. Apparently. Anna was SO fascinated with your leather gucci clothes that she just HAD to steal them. Don't worry, she left you with clothes. In fact, she left you with HER clothes, which just happened to be a denim mini-skirt, a corset-top-thing, and leather boots (hell you got something leather). I KNOW this was in my dream because I was reading What Happens At Wal-Mart Stays At Wal-Mart by Fatal Error late last night (you know that kid who thinks you and Matt should play gay chicken. Yup. Them. So you can blame that kiddo for this happening to you in a dream.) And of course Anna is half your size so it's all abit tight. ANYWAYS.

Me: XDDDD Doooooooooood. You're wearing a skirt. That's awwwwwwesome.  
Ginger: OH SICK! NASTY! BLECK.  
Light: -passes out-  
L: What's going on? -peeks from the back of the heffalump ride-  
You: '-' Ho shit.  
Me: -laughing fit-  
Matt: -appears out of the jungle- MELLO I FOUND YO-Whyyyy are you dressed like a chick?  
Me: -suffocating-  
You: I swear I'll kill that bitch if I meet her again! AND YOU-points at moi-BETTER SHUT IT BEFORE I BLOW YOUR FACE OFF!  
Me: AHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH-gets shot- Oh owww! D: Betch. And then I died resulting in me waking with a face like "double-you-tea-eff, maties. :/"

SOOOOOOOOOOOOO This dream resulted in me having a few questions for you. :3

1. Do you actually enjoy cross-dressing? C'mon. You don't look to bad in skirts.  
2. Are you any good with dream-interpreting? Because WHAT THE HECK DOES THAT ALL MEAN? I'm not sure is being a genius allows you to understand what someones dream means. If not, I can always ask Near. D  
3. Do I get an award for having the LONGEST e-mail sent to you?! That was a whole lotta shiz I typed for you and I should get something. Then Again. I hope you're not perturbed about having to read so much.

Le Poussin Trois (French this time because I'm cool. Though I have no idea if that's right...)

----------

Dear The Chick Three,  
HAH! AT LEAST WE CAN BUY HIM CIGARETTES LEGALLY! And he says he can't dare leave his apartment nearby that's filled with ultra-rare posters of the Super Mario Brothers from 1997. So there. –sticks tongue out- Don't even try! He doesn't want you! HE LOVES MEEehh…lons! He likes _Melons_! –phew!-

That's a really weird dream. Aside from that, it's also a really stupid and random dream. But the fact that I'm in it makes it a freaking awesome dream. WTF, mini-skirts? Tell your friend Anna to drink some growth-pills so that if I _have _to wear her clothes, at least make them fit!

1. What do you mean ENJOY? I haven't cross-dressed in my life! My pants are in the men's size! Only small!  
2. Hm. I think that dream means that you are mentally deranged, an idiot, and one of my ultimate fangirls. Well? Did I get it right?  
3. Award? Sure. You get my fist konking your skull. But I won't give you only that award because you made me read more than I would since the Whammy House. So congratulations! You get BOTH my fists konking your skull!

Sincerely, Mello  
ps. Betch? Hm. That's a good one. I'll use it sometime.

* * *

**A/N: **Again, thank you for the strange question, The Chick Three. XD; I had to take out some smileys again because they won't show up properly. Hope it's okay. And OMG, it took me a while until I understood what "double-you-tea-eff" means. And I think this calls for changing the story rating… Er. Hehe. Please mail your Qs to: **snowrabbit399**(at)**gmail**(dot)**com**. 


	22. Neko Kikiru

**A/N: **I had to interrupt Mello from his _Desperate Housewives _marathon (which he watches because he, quote unquote, "wants to see those whores die") to answer a few more questions. I hope it's worth getting shot. You people better appreciate it!

* * *

**From:** Neko-Kikiru  
**Subject:** Jittery Thoughts Nibbing the Back of My Neck  
Dear Mello,

Hi. Before I say anything else, if any of my questions irritate you into wanting to kill me, for my own safety (and due to fear), I've enclosed a dummy. Please feel free to take your anger out on that. Here, I also gave you a nail gun. Have fun with that.

First, it's all about the leather. Your leather. Your leather pants. Your _tight_ leather pants. Are they binding? Are they constricting? They look hard to move in, since leather can't stretch.You can't strecth or flex in them and you can't really move your legs well. Isn't that uncomfortable, and inconvient, like if you have to run from something? Say, a gun battle in the Mafia? You have to move around a lot, and leather seems like an unwise choice for that.

Second, Matt. In many fan works, Matt is the one owning the apartment you guys live in. If so... who owns the bed? (Haha, that question is so... tempting... to ask...)

Love from,  
Neko-Kikiru  
P.S. Look over your shoulder. There's a hoarde of stalker fangirls behind you. Have a nice day.

----------

Dear Neko-Kikiru,  
Haha! Awesome! The dummy looks like Near! Thanks. I think I'll nail it to my ceiling and burn it until it goes all Pinocchio on me and pleads for its "life".

I don't know what you people mean. My pants fit wonderfully. I had them tailor made. But I do admit it's a wee tight around the hips. And geez, I don't need to move my legs well, do I? I have a motorcycle, for crying out loud.

Not in a million years would I live with Matt. And how can he afford an apartment? He barely gets off from his butt while playing video-games. Thus, he has no money and can't buy a bed. With that said, I assume it's mine.

Sincerely, Mello  
ps. Huh? Matt is one of my stalker fangirls? I KNEW IT!

* * *

**A/N: **This was a nice question. Thank you for it. Anyway, please mail your Qs to: **snowrabbit399**(at)**gmail**(dot)**com**. 


	23. Lynn Rikku

**A/N: **Thanks for your questions. **PLEASE REMEMBER TO INCLUDE YOUR USERNAME IN THE EMAIL!** Or else I don't really know what to put for Mello. (**Reminder: The first 4 best i.e. not one-liners, unique and funny questions sent by email will have a better chance of being answered**).

* * *

**From:** lynn.rikku (e-mail address)  
**Subject:** Beauty secrets...and questions  
Hello

um...well my friend would like to know...she got this awesome skin..but when  
we went to the pool..she got..um suntan? well she burn like a toast..xD so  
what do you recomend her to do?

there is something I have been thinking..when L used to live in the wammy  
house..do you think he prefer near over you? o who did he talk to more?

and another thing..almost all of my friends..well prefer Light over  
you..they say he is more sexy..(wich I TOTALLY DISAGRE)..what do you think  
of that? do you think that is true?(please say no)

that scar make you look sexy and say hi to matt for me..o///o..

peace and love

ps: sorry from my poor english..I'm mexican you see;

----------

Dear Lynn.Rikku,  
You mean her skin is like bread? Dry, crumbling, brown and needs butter? Then I recommend she stay under a rock for around 2-3 months (24/7) for her to get her "awesome skin" back. If she can't manage that, then she's toast.

Ahaha, get it?  
…Right. Uh.

Well, let's look at it this way. L was 25 when he last appeared. And I was 14 at the time. I never really bothered to ask him when he arrived at the Whammy House, but I assume it was around our age. So unless Near or I was born in the Whammy House, he wouldn't have much of a choice between us. But really, I bet he likes me more. I mean, he was the one who first gave me candy. And what did he give Near? Cut-up cardboard. Haha!

Eh? Light? Oh, you mean Kira? WHAT! They like that bastard over me!?! I can't believe it! Why the hell is he more sexy?! He is DERANGED, a MANIAC who loves to KILL people! Unlike ME, a kind-hearted, peace-loving person who only wants to rid the world of evil (aka Kira!).

Sincerely, Mello  
ps. And besides, there is only one person in the world that I consider sexy. And that's me. I know you agree.

* * *

**A/N: **Oh man, Mello's puns suck! Excuse his lack of humor. Well, Mello's only funny when he's not trying to be. It's pathetic. Anyway, please mail your Qs to: **snowrabbit399**(at)**gmail**(dot)**com**. 


	24. Maxychan

**A/N: **Heeeey, what's with the sudden lack of questions, eh? Is Mello being too harsh on you? Aw…well, it's part of his charm! So keep them coming! Make him happy.

* * *

**From:** Maxy-chan  
**Subject:** Beauty Secrets  
Hey Mello!

What's up? I hope you don't feel too bad about episode 35... I do, though you probably don't care anyway...

Anyhow, on to my questions! What do you think of Matt's voice? He sounds like an old dude, but a sexy old dude in my opinion, though once again, you probably don't care about my opinion anyway. And I bet that some hot smexin' was going on in the room at the beginning of episode 35, amirite? 3

Question two: I saw you in a video once (here's the link if you forgot about that one, seeing as you appear in so many clips: and you and Matt were dancing to the song 'Ice Cream and Cake'. WHERE THE HELL DID YOU LEARN THOSE HOT MOVES, MELLO?! Is that your secret to your hot body:33

And another question concerning that video: how the hell did you get Matt dancing, too? That's awesome, and I bet you gave him some dancing lessons too! HOT! 3

Thanks for answering my questions if you do!

Yours sincerely (though you probably also don't care about that kind of crap),

maxy-chan

----------

Dear Maxy-chan,  
Episode 35? I don't remember what episode that was. I don't enjoy watching myself on screen like some stuck-up blonde celebrity who craves for attention. Nope. Not me. NEVER me.

Matt hardly talks. Well, he talks to Mario and Pikachu more than to me. And I hear his voice sometimes when he's screaming at some Final Boss in a game. He does sound old. He sounds a little constipated, too. Hot smexin'?! What are you implying, woman?! That is…if you really are a woman!

-watches it- What the fuck?! Who did uploaded this?! I'm going to GET him/her! This was a PRIVATE moment! Hear that? PRIVATE!! And I keep telling people that they will NEVER be able to match my sexy body no matter what they do! I'm beyond their capabilities! I'm sure you agree.

Sincerely, Mello  
ps. Matt has some secret moves. He surprised me while in be—uh, b-breakfast! Y-yeah. Breakfast. He surprised me in breakfast. I'll leave you to figuring out what that means.

* * *

**A/N: **Thank you Maxy-chan:) **PLEASE CONTINUE SENDING YOUR QUESTIONS TO: snowrabbit399**(at)**gmail**(dot)**com. **Thank you! If you are really too lazy, you can send your questions thru review, but they **better be good**! 


	25. Your Kato Matt replacement!

**A/N: **Mello availed for one of his paid-holidays, so guess who's replacing? Matt!

* * *

**From: **Your Kato  
**Subject: **Mello's Beauty Secrets!  
Hi chocolate-god!

First the usual chitchat: I love u! I love guys with long blonde hair in general, but if they are nuts and charming like u I can't resist -

Now I have a few questions for u, my love. 1.: Aren't ya pants really hot? I mean warm, are u wearing them even in summer? Or a shorter version? Hot pants? And btw r u wearing any underwear? Ah wait, I'll ask that Matt.

Well, about Matt. U implied some interesting things here. About IF Matt would marry someone it'd be u, he only LOVES u... Sure about you'r feelings toward him? Well, I'm pretty sure he loves u because otherwise I can't understand he is with u and you'r bad temper (I'd stay with u too :D) I want honest answeres for that because I have here a photo u might remember...

Next question: Which chocolate do u prefer? I like those cheap ones from the supermarked, I dunno why but somehow they taste better than those expensive name-products. In Germany we have Milka or Lind, but they taste weird o.O Which kind u like most? I love normal milk chocolate. Nuts suck. Cream and that stuff too.

Can I ask Matt, too? Hi Mattyboy! Luv ya too. Luv u both - together -.- Can u name me things u like on Mello? And don't tell me it's only his body That'd be soooo unromantic! R u ever jealous of Near? He got all Mello's attention. And btw: Does Mello treat u lika dog? Does he sometimes wanna cuddle? How's the sex?

I'm way too curious bout u two . Sry for bothering, have fun, I'm waiting for answeres, baybay

Your Kato

----------

Dear Your Kato,  
Yeah, same here! Can't resist those blondies. ;)

Hmm…I don't know if Mello is feeling hot from his pants, but he sure is looking so. Haha! I think I saw Mello in his boxers once. They were leather, too. And…underwear? I don't think Mello has the word 'underwear' in his vocabulary.

Me? Love only Mello? I'm not too sure about that. My Bulbasaur, which I named Clyde, is rising up my Top 10 list pretty fast. But yeah, I guess if I didn't love Mello, I wouldn't be there. But you see…he has the money to buy my PS3.

Yo; love you, too.

Mm? More things I love on Mello? Why would me liking his body be unromantic? I liked it when Mello wore this really cute headband back in the Whammy House. I would have taken a picture, but I was too young to understand digital cameras. Oh well. Hmm…and I like his hair. Just like you do, too. Hah.

Jealous of Near? Yeah, y'know, sometimes. I mean, even in his dreams, Mello's like, "I'mma PWN j00, Near!" and "Me love you long time, Near!" and it gets frustrating. I…it hurts my feelings sometimes, y'know? I…oh man. I'm getting all emotional.

Sincerely, Matt

* * *

**A/N: **Awww….poor Matt! D:! I can't believe Mello would be so harsh! Tsk tsk! **PLEASE CONTINUE SENDING YOUR QUESTIONS TO: snowrabbit399**(at)**gmail**(dot)**com. **Thank you! If you are really too lazy, you can send your questions thru review, but make them good! 


	26. Tora B

**A/N: **In behalf of Mello, I apologize for the people he has insulted and/or caused to faint (whether it is because of his shmexeh hotness, or his shmexeh attitude).

* * *

**From:** Tora B  
**Subject:** Beauty Advice  
Yo guys! How are you?

I'm Tora and curious as to what Near has done to Mello in the past to make Mello hate him. Matt said it was absolutly horrible but I just want to know so bad what it was. Did he cut your hair? Stole your clothes? Black mailed you? Or eat all your chocolate?

But now I just want to suck up and tell you how much I love you and Matt and tell you that you guys are my favorite characters. All my friends love Near and L and one is even writing a Near L fan fic and I'm the only one that sticks up for you when we have death note arguements. It just saddens me that you couldn't be in more books. Same with Matt.

Oh! Two more questions. What is Matt's favorite video game and do you have a hobby besides kicking az and replying to the Beauty questions?

----------

Dear Tora,  
Matt said that? He wasn't supposed to say anything! He was under gag order! Gah, I'm gonna make him pay…later. Let's do this one by one: Near isn't allowed to hold scissors. He is too much of a coward to steal my sexy clothes (though might actually fit/look better than those stupid PJs). He can't black mail ME, I'm supposed to be black-mailing HIM! And are you kidding me?! I'd never let him know where my precious chocolate stash is. He's too stupid to find out (psst, it's under my bed).

But…I do agree with Matt entirely. What Near did to me…was…HORRIBLE. And I hate him for it.

Matt became a junkie once and counted all the panels he appeared in. 14 was the last count, I think. Anyway, I appreciate you standing up for me, but if you really want me to thank you, bring those Near-lovin' friends of yours (L is okay) to my headquarters. I guarantee that I will make them squirm.

Matt's favorite game is…uh…what's that thing where…you know…EVERYTHING.

And I have way better things to do than answer these questions. I mean, can't people just accept the fact that they can never look as cool as me even with my advice? As if I want a twin, anyway. But aside from this, yeah, my only hobby is kicking ass. Kicking Near's ass.

Sincerely, Mello

* * *

**A/N: **Please continue sending your ???s to: **snowrabbit399**(at)**gmail**(dot)**com**


	27. Aruslym 3 Super Smash Bros spoilers

**A/N: **Mello is beautiful. Mello has a lot of secrets. Thus is Beauty Secrets:D

* * *

**From:** Aruslym  
**Subject:** Beauty Secrets  
Hi Mello!

Did ya miss me? Well, you probably didn't, but I'm back with more  
questions! Whoo!

First, how was your vacation? And why didn't you bring Matt along? The  
poor guy needs some sunlight now and then, y'know. Matt might be a dog, but  
you have to be a responsible owner and walk him every now and then! And  
loosen the choker chain and collar, too. Don't want him to die from lack of  
oxygen…

I watched Episode 35 yesterday (the one where you and Matt died), and I  
swore never to watch Death Note again :( I'm still reading the manga, but  
the anime sucks. Well, chapter 99 of the manga also sucks, but it's better  
than the anime. Mello and Matt are no longer there to stare at! My purpose  
in life is gone! -suicide-

Okay, next question. Mello, what's your favorite song/band/genre of music?  
It's not that 'Ice Cream and Cake' song, is it? Even though your dancing  
skills are incomparable, that song gets annoying after awhile.

Also! I found this! (link) Did you and  
Matt really get married? And can I call you 'Chocolate Bear', too? Or is  
that restricted to Matt only?

Aha! (link) You finally pwn Near at  
something! Near sucks at dancing, yet we see Mello totally pwning DDR!  
Whoo! You're no longer second! Is that game Matt's and you just decided to  
try it out or something, or does Mello have a secret DDR fetish?

Ask Matt a question (or two) for me? I need advice from our favorite gaming  
genius. Matt, I'm stuck on The Final Showdown event match in Super Smash  
Bros. Melee. Help me, please? Damn Giga Bowser keeps killing all my lives!  
D: That, and do you think World of Warcraft is worth buying? I'm hooked  
on Bejewelled right now, so I need a new obsession.

Thanks For Your Time,  
Aru

----------

Dear Aruslym,  
What vacation? I was ball-gagged and tied to my bedpost. Matt said he wouldn't let me out until he could hack my email. Stupid Matt. Grr. And he's the one who likes the tight collars and chains, y'know. Stupid, bondage-fetish Matt. Grr.

SHHH, DON'T TELL ANYONE I DIED! IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE A HOAX! And I'll appear in the end and be all, "Kira! You didn't kill me! You just killed my twin whose name is only slightly different from mine! Haha, you stupid Kira!" Oh my god, you killed yourself…emo.

…Oh my god, you're alive again…freak.

I think I already answered this question. But anyway, I kinda like that band called…uhm, Guns With Roses? And the other one…the Rolling Rocks…goddamnit, I still can't get those names right. But you know what I'm talking about. Bleh.

Matt? Married?? 'Chocolate bear'??? What are you implying?! You people are weirdos! Matt and I aren't together! I wouldn't be surprised if he loves me in that way and wants to marry me and fantasizes about calling me 'Chocolate Bear', but I'm STRAIGHT, I tell you! …But you women don't deserve me! DX!!!

Hah. DDR is totally my territory. And yeah, that's Matt's. He isn't very good, though. He lost the feeling in his legs long ago from sitting down too long (97 hours to be exact), trying to finish Final Fantasy X in one sit.

Matt says: I AM a genius, thanks for acknowledging. …Bejewelled? Lame! WoW is totally worth selling your house. Buy it. Okay…-clears throat- In the Final Showdown, here's what I did: Cute floating Kirby. Hang near the edge of the stage and float float to the side after a while. Giga would most probably run off the edge trying to get you. Keep doing it until they won't fall for it anymore, and then use Kirby's Down + A move to finish them off. At least, that's what I did.

Sincerely, Mello

* * *

**A/N: **Matt is a genius. The Kirby Tactic is in a lot of walkthroughs there, but Matt wanted to end it quickly, I suppose, so he followed. BTW, links don't appear in the fic. Sorry! Please continue sending your ???s to: **snowrabbit399**(at)**gmail**(dot)**com**


	28. twistedNEK0

**A/N: **School has just started for me, so I'm sorry if I won't be able to post as many stuff or as often (btw, Mello checks the mail and saves the questions to a folder. Then he answers them while offline, when he can. Then I add the A/Ns and post them online). Sorry! But don't use this as an excuse to not send in more questions!

* * *

**From: **twistedNEK0  
**Subject: **Beauty Secrets Darling Mello  
Dear Mello,

It was only a matter of time before I actually sent you an email, darling. How's it going?

From one chocoholic to another, I'm sure you (also) blow hundreds of dollars yearly splurging at your local Godaiva, right? Right. However I must ask you: What else do you EAT? You ought to be an overweight diabetic shooting insulin, teetering between life and death in all honesty. Well...not unless you work it all off doing the horizontal tango with Matt. (Say hello to Matt for me.)

And, no matter how sexy your leather clad, chocolate loving, angry, extroverted-ness is, I want to know if you have any hobbies. Hobbies to keep you occupied. Hobbies that don't include, Kira, the mafia, dancing that doesn't require standing( :3) , leather, admiring yourself (you clearly know you're sex in the form of a human), shopping, Gucci, Prada, and/or chocolate.

(You ought to read manga.It may cut into your Gucci budget if you get hooked however.)

Love,

twistedNEK0

P.S. As far as manga is concerned Gravitation is the name.

----------

Dear twistedNEK0,  
Eh. Not been going so good. I have a stomach ache…

Right. I get discount on Godaiva, though. …Y'know, for shooting down their rival choco-shop. Heheheh. Die cheap nameless brands! Anyway, I eat anything. …I specifically like meat. Red, lean, bloody meat. I'm a well-done kind of person. The only blood that's on me is either on my hands or on my gun…never on my beef. You can't ONLY eat chocolate you know. That's gross. Well, actually, it isn't so gross because I'd love to be able to eat bar after bar after bar without worrying about my thighs 'sploding through my Gucci leather. Can't have that.

Matt says "Yo" and he snickered, mumbling "Horizontal tango…heheh, that's a great idea."

…………Horizontal tango??? What do you mean by that??? Matt can't dance for his life, the poor soul. I can pwn him at Dance Dance Revolution, as proved by Aruslym in a recent update. Heheh…stupid Matt.

Aside from tracking down Kira, being with the gang, dancing that doesn't require standing (DDR Dance pad or controller, I can still pwn Matt in any dance game), being clothed, knowing I'm "sex in the form of a human", shopping for really expensive stuff that I can brag about just like how I'm doing so now, and eating the greatest creation known to man, I……………uh…er. Hmm…bully Near? Eh, but you already knew that, didn't you?

I think I saw a book thing with the title Gravitation. I'll try stealing it from Near. He won't stop reading it. …Wonder what's it about…?

Sincerely, Mello

* * *

**A/N: **Aside from being freakishly sexy, Mello also has that innocent, wide-eyed, "Horizontal tango wtf?!" side. And…OMG, DID WE HEAR THAT RIGHT?! Near reads Gravitation?! Oh man…I gotta borrow his manga… Anyway, please send all questions to: **snowrabbit399**(at)**gmail**(dot)**com**. 


	29. Kazune

**A/N: **…Oh…my…god. I caught Mello watching Martha Stewart last night. Of course, the topic was chocolate, but…still. Could Mello be the next Martha Stewart? I mean, they do look alike…well, not really, but they're both blondies! Tsk…never mind.

* * *

**From:** Kazune  
**Subject:** Beauty Secrets  
hiya mello! and hi to matt too! XDXDXD 

i wanna ask you a question,,i've always thinking about this...  
how can you get matt work along with you? i see matt is come just like that,but i didn't even see you inviting matt or whatever...  
and... where did you buy ur cellphone? i never seen that unique phone like that b4,i wanna have it,heehee!

almost forgot,, i loves chocolates too! today i'm eating much of chocolate, sweet!i like choc very much! what of chocolates u like?? milk chocolate? dark chocolate?? (of course with no nuts!) if i can ask, what brand do u like most??

and i have a question for matt too,,  
hmm,, what did u like the most? ur games or mello? hehee...  
and 4 u both,, when will u two will get maried, i think you often get sex together? haha. even if u two maried in the heaven (or maybe hell?) i don't care,, altough you get married... nyahahaa X3

i think that's enough for now,, but, sorry for my bad english! i can't speak english well...

i support u two forever! eps.35 sucks!! just die u near!!! (sry to the near's fan)

sincerely,  
kaZuNe

----------

Dear Kazune,  
Matt doesn't need to know when I need him to come along on a job. He's telepathic in a way. But aside from that, I don't invite him, but he follows me around anyway. Such a stalker. But I understand, because I know he loves me. Hah!

Cellphone? I have lots of cellphones. Mostly from the rich people that I order people to kill, but I only use my trusty Lorina. Yeah, I named her Lorina. Shut up.

Hello chocolate/Mello lover, I order you to join my chocolate/Mello-loving cult.

Brands? Branded chocolate is important. You don't want to eat those cheap ones with the nuts. Nope. Those are crap. But I won't name any brands here because that would mean I endorsed them. My manager doesn't like that because the chocolate people will demand money from her. But Gucci and Prada is an exception, always.

…We often get sex? Er. That's…uh, erotic?

And I can't emphasize it any more! There is NOTHING between Matt and I! Sure he proclaimed his love for me, daydreams about me while he was following that Misa girl, and willingly follows me around like a puppy dog, but there is NOTHING between us! I swear upon Nestle's CrunchTM Bars (rise crispies are always better than nuts)!

Don't worry. I'll kill Near when I reincarnate.

Sincerely, Mello

* * *

**A/N: **Great. Now NestleTM will demand money from me for using their name. But shouldn't THEY give US money?! I mean, Mello endorsing you is the best advertising strategy ever! Please send your Qs to: **snowrabbit399**(at)**gmail**(dot)**com**. 


	30. Beep Matt replacement!

**A/N: **This next letter's writer is gonna get it from Mello. Tsk...he just walked out the door, insulted. Why? Read along.

* * *

**From:** -name withheld under request of the witness protection agency-  
**Subject:** Beauty Secrets  
HI MATT!! Well first off i would lyk to start by I HATE MELLO YOU SUCKS BALLS XP XP XP XP and I know people will hate me for this but bring em on!! but im only interested in Matt and i wanna ask Matt some questions...

1. Are you GAY!! (no seriously ya know for real)  
2. If you could pick me or Mello who would ya pick ( PICK ME)  
3. How come your such a follower?  
4. What kind of music do you like?  
5. Are you a fan of anyone??  
6. If you were Kira would you tell Mello?  
7. I love you do you love me?? ( SAY YES!!!)  
8. Mello sucks dont you agree ( nah joking : )  
9. What kind of name is Mail Jeevas?? I think its gay '' ( ya know da stupid kind gay)

k now to Mello

Ya know was just joking wen i said you suck dont wrrry i dont hate you (pats Mello's head well if i can...o.O) and imma wondering how many times have u DONE " IT " with MATT. o and by the way Matt is with me right now...

Hey Mello waves im at her house right now and im really really REALLLY bored ' come over please (puppy-dogg eyes) yeah but shes koolio

ok well this is me again YAY!! MATT SAID HE LIKES ME SORTOF-ISH o.O NOW MELLO YOU HAVE COMPETION!! nah nah joking hee hee hee well ya o and i have some other questions i wanna ask Mello

1. What kind of name is Mihael Keehl?  
2. Are you a Jew...  
3. Why did you name yourself Mello??  
4. I preferrably lyk the name Michael better i mean it would be better then Mihael ya know...  
HAHAHAH you name is sooo funny me and ma friend was laughing sooo hard -snickers- Mihael Keehl o and the snickering was Matt by the way

P.S. I will BUY Matt how much will you sell him for...

----------

Dear –beep-,

Tsk. You wrote to a Mello-advice column when you hate Mello? How could you. Well anyway, since he angrily ran out the door to track down your current location and…I dunno, give you some flowers, I'll answer for him.

1. No, but I do have this man-crush on Link from the Zelda series. Heh.  
2. Mello, because he pays me. Sorry.  
3. Because…he pays me?  
4. I kinda like .hack//G.U.'s Hulle Granz background music.  
5. Mario and Luigi are my gods.  
6. He'd probably find out but be in denial about it.  
7. If you'd pay me, sure.  
8. He sucks really well, but…in the insulting sense, no he doesn't suck.  
9. Mail Jeevas does not exist. –jazz hands-

Mello? Do "it" with me? Hahahahahahaha. It's easier to fit through the eye of a needle than convince him to do "it" with me. Hahahahahahaha.

1. I kinda like that name, for your information. It's unique.  
2. I'm not sure if he is, but probably not. He can't spell Hebrewish words well.  
3. His first chocolate had marshmellows in it…not.  
4. Michael's too American. Mello ain't American. Mihael suits him well.  
Insult Mello again and I'll Hadouken you so hard you'll end up holding your head in pain forever like Psyduck from Pokemon.

Sincerely, Matt

* * *

**A/N: **If Mello gets discouraged to answer more questions, it's –beep-'s fault. D: But I don't think so. He prolly finished "giving her flowers" already. ;D Please send your Qs to: **snowrabbit399**(at)**gmail**(dot)**com**. 


	31. Luminescent Wolf

**A/N: **Mello thinks that our "2007 crap, I mean—technology" is crap. D: Just because his iPod ran out of battery doesn't mean it sucks. D:!

**From: **Luminescent Wolf

**Subject: **Beauty Secrets

Mello,

What ethnicity are you? You look German, with blonde hair and blue eyes…-pulls out handy Nazi chart- But your skin color is different…

Do you like dark chocolate or milk chocolate? I assume it's the first, because it's the purest kind of chocolate and because it's far more healthy.

You say that you in fact hadn't died, but actually, you ran away and hid in the bathroom and never came back out. –snickers- Does that mean you were afraid of Takada? Was it because she was naked? Which I assume the conclusion you are a virgin…(perhaps only to women, though. :D)

Lastly, a question for the manager...I can't help but wonder by what means you're forcing Mello to do this..-suspicious- !

LW

----------

Dear Luminescent Wolf,

Ethnicity? That's one thing I can't let anyone know. I can tell people what best moisturizer to use, or how to deal with a bad hair day, but nothing about the real me. Who are you, anyway? Are you one of Near's spies? Trying to eliminate the competition, eh? Hah! We'll see about that. I've been tricked once, and I'm never letting it happen again!

But to give you a hint and to stop you from whining to me: Mihael is Slovenian and Keehl is German…oh shit, did I just say my name out loud? Ignore that.

I like any chocolate. And some people have a misconception that my only favorite sweet thing is chocolate. While it is number 1, they're wrong. I like all sorts of candy. I like cake and jelly, too, but no one really gives me those anymore. I mean, could you imagine me hanging out in front of all those thugs while eating strawberry/blueberry/raspberry topped cheesecake with 80 more cheese and a really thick shortbread crust…god I'm hungry.

Takada naked is worse than death, I assure you. But I seriously just locked myself in the bathroom! It was an accident, and could have happened to anyone!! And I ran out of toilet paper. That's even worse than Takada naked. And…

……Virginity is for dopes.

Sincerely, Mello

ps. Hi, the manager here! Glad to have a question for me. Well, I use uber-cool technology (2007!) to permanently staple an image of Watari in a bikini top and Daisy Dukes to Mello's brain. Oh, and I add in a catchy jingle, too.

**A/N: **Domo Arigato Mr. Roboto! Please send in your questions to: **snowrabbit399**(at)**gmail**(dot)**com.**


	32. Maxychan 2

**A/N: **Matt's hair doesn't look so red in the anime. :/ Mello said Matt should just shave his head instead. And Matt continued playing miniature golf. Random? No. It's completely normal. At least, for Matt and Mello.

**From:** Maxy-chan

**Subject:** OMG HIIII MELLO!

Hey Mello!

It's me again:D I graduated from High School last week, and I got a laptop, so I shall be stalking you a little more from now on! 3

Moving on to questions! What kind of laptops/computers do you guys have over there anyway? They'd better be pretty ones! -though they will never be as sexy as my laptop P-

And I was wondering, which pairing in Death Note do you like most? ;3 I like MelloxMatt most, of course:D -lovelove-

And a bonus-beauty question: Do you shave your legs and/or armpits? And do you like your man shaved or hairy?

And what kind of deodorant/aftershave do you use? I really really like AXE Africa by the way w And which one does Matt use? Do you find it attractive?

Yours and Matt's forever,

Maxy-chan

----------

Dear Maxy-chan,

Matt and I are using my manager's mom's crappy Toshiba Satellite laptop that only has dial-up. And her mom is way paranoid about memory space. It's…annoying. The other computer that my manager has is a black IBM Desktop. But there's nothing but crap in that computer anyway.

I don't like any pairings! Those things are stupid, indecent and full of fact-less assumptions! L would never think of Raito in "that" way because he only thinks of me! Although, Near sometimes pretends that I'm a Ken doll and he's a Barbie doll and they're having sex on the floor. And Matt…well, Matt plays dating simulators, 'nuff said. They all love me. Me and my pretty hair, me and my awesome clothes, me and my drop-dead gorgeous figure!

But I don't think of them "that" way, so too bad for them!

It has been said that manly men don't shave. That is completely false. You can't be a manly man if you look like cousin It from the Adams Family! You might as well be a homeless bum that lives on peanut shells and old shopping carts…but with more hair.

And obviously, I'd like my man clean. Kinda like Matt. Although his breath stinks 24/7 from those cigarettes, and he has eye bags longer than the Great Wall of China (8 days straight of playing Tekken 2 is a waste of time, no matter how many times you finished it), he's the type of clean I like.

…But don't you dare assume that I like men or Matt. I'm a chick-magnet, and not some……cock-magnet. Well, I suppose men do _adore _me, but I don't like that kind of attention.

**A/N: **MELLO LIES! D:!!!! He loves any kind of attention! Anyway, send the Qs over to **snowrabbit399**(at)**gmail**(dot)**com**.


	33. The Chick Three 5 Matt invasion!

**A/N: **Mello…I'm worried about him. He's been limping all day. Matt just laughs at him whenever he sees him. It's sad. D: I wonder what's going on. Mello just blows me off every time I asked what's up. :/ -innocent mode-

* * *

**From: **The Chick Three  
**Subject: **REAL Beauty Secrets  
Hallo tis The Chicky again. With REAL questions this times (followed by rambling of course. xP You can never escape it!).

Plus, I also know that I already have an e-mail floating out there in your managers inbox where I sing a song about Matt and you and how your new name is Melon, yadda yadda yadda... But I got some new questions since then via watching episode 36. I just wanted to write this shiz down before I forgot it..

1. You know... How come I never get a Matt Replacement? Everytime I write to you I go on and on about how I love Mattayo to death (Mattayo is his Spanish name, a'ight?) but for a genius you don't seem to get the hint. Don't get me wrong, Melon, you're the smex in pair of tight leather Gucci pants with blondness and a gun sticking out your arse if I ever did see one, and I love it. But Matty is the SEX smothered in whipped cream and choco. sauce with a cherry on top. Ohhh that was a good metaphor. His head cherry. Aww I should write poetry about you two, ne? Well if I can't get a full-fledged answer from my rape vict-- ...-cough- I MEAN... MATT... Please tell him I send my love and virtual glomps and that I hope he is happy with the Melon.

2. Which brings me to my next point... MELLO. Please tell the girl you are currently hunting down that Matt belongs to you and me only. WE love 'em most, more than anyone. Not that we're narcissists or anything... -twitches-. Let's say I pull out some bazookas and we go "give her flowers"... Oh wait, I don't have any bazookas. Err... Can I borrow some of your bazookas? And the first person to make that statement dirty is the first one to be shot. Besides, I don't mock your loverly name. I think Mihael Keehl is a fergalicious name.

Question: ... Where are you from, Melon? .. Heh... it sounds like it comes from one of those countries that are known for chocolate.. Hehe.. Irony

3. Hehehe... poor, naive, oblivious Melon. When the girl says "horizontal tango" she doesn't mean dancing, she means fu-AHG! -mouth is gagged by censors-

Okay now I have, like, a real question: I just watch episode 36 and was wondering... who would Mello want to win? I know you hate Near and all blah blah... But do you really want Kira to win? And if Kira wins... Near DIES. Do you really want that? You would rather have a cute little boy get murdered than see the world be ruled by a psychotic metrosexual who had a hoe, whose body guards killed MATT, to kill YOU so he could kill NEAR like he killed L and I just confused myself. . Ahg. So really... Who do you want to win. Near or the gaywad?... I mean Kira. :3

Sincerely::::Het Kuiken Drie  
P.S. You say you like "Red, lean, bloody meat"? Hmm... Sounds like Matt.

----------

Dear The Chick Three,  
Melons are tasteless! I hate them. And thus, I am insulted.

1. Matt's replacing is actually equal to secretly making up a stupid excuse on why I can't go check the e-mail, and then goes to check it himself. I think Madonna was trying to rip off my blondeness and sexy pants. Hah! As if a woman can ever do that. And oh god, please don't remind me about sex, last night was— lwekjfheeeehh…

…Yo, Matt here. I kinda like cherries, y'know? They're all red and sweet and, oh, look, Melon-kun looks like a cherry now! Anyway, I ju—fgn jreRe'…

Gah! Get off of me! I do NOT look like a cherry, you bastard child of a seme!—uh, s-sem…symmetrical…y-yeah, you bastard child who is symmetrical! Screw you!

2. …………-shoots Matt- ……What? You said "the first person to make that statement dirty is the first one to be shot", right?

And yes! My name rules you all! Gahahahahahahaha! Matt and the manager especially like it when it's pronounced in Japanese, but I don't. _Miheru Keru_. WTF? And besides, when Matt tries to speak Japanese, he sounds like a Telletuby on steroids. …That is a very scary thought, kidg3gjkj…

…Matt again. Mello just fucking shot me on the goddamn chest…pocket. That contained my Death Note Dating Sim: Mello version CD, the only copy in California. So, listen up. SOMEONE GO TO JAPAN AND GET ME ANOTHER CD!!! sdfvE;lj…

Goddamnit Matt! Stop messing with my mails! …-reads-…GODDAMNIT, MATT! Stop messing with a hot 3D rendering of me! It's considered cheating! God…anyway. Known for chocolate? You mean Switzerland? No, I'm not from there. I can't speak French at all. :/ I can speak English, Japanese, German, Spanish, Danish, Tagalog and Indonesian, but not French.

3. I still don't know what a horizontal tango is. :/ Be glad I'm even admitting that.

I understood your statement completely. Honestly, though, if I can't win, no one should either. But since I have no choice (since I was locked in the bathroom forever…), I'd pick Near, because I want to be able to bully him some more, if not kill him myself. I'd scare his pants off when I reappear to him in a (wet) dream. And that statement is meant to be as least suggestive as possible. …Stupid Kira. And stupid Matt for not staying home and finish his videogame or something, y'know, instead of going out and getting killed.

Sincerely, Mello  
ps. Matt was only bloody meat when Do0fUs' aka Kira's bodyguards killed him. u.u;

* * *

**A/N: **Please don't tell Mello to speak any of those languages. :/ Matt says the CD would be about $19.99 if converted to dollars. And shouldn't Mello just Google "horizontal tango"? Tsk. Oops, Mello's still limping. Poor, poor, tasteless Melon. To make him feel better, send in your Qs to: **snowrabbit399**(at)**gmail**(dot)**com**. 


	34. Aruslym 4 Mello goes crazy

**A/N: **Mello, Matt and I just finished watching this movie with Aishwarya Rai (sp) and Dylan McDermott. We are all…freaked out. Although…I think Mello developed a man crush on Dylan. Spices wtf?

* * *

**From:** Aruslym  
**Subject:** Beauty Secrets (Not Really)  
Hiya Mello!

Yes, me again. Aren't you getting tired of hearing from me?

Tell Matt I said thanks for the tip on SSBM, and I was going to buy WoW, but  
my brother stole my money and got Conker: Live and Reloaded instead. I  
can't complain, Nazi teddy bears with guns (and chainsaws) rock my socks. :3

So Mello, what did you think about Gravitation? And the 'Horizontal Tango'  
is a fancy way of saying intercourse, just so you know what made Matt  
snicker, the sicko.

You might be a chick-magnet, but no guy that sexy is straight. It goes  
against Natural Law #651.4, Section 34, Paragraph 7 – "All uber-sexy guys  
are automatically gay or bisexual." It's right next to "All male  
pregnancies must be carried out by c-section or an exit that does not exist"  
and "It is the law of God that when a man becomes pregnant, he will give  
birth to a daughter and if he is to have a son, he must also bear a daughter  
at the same time (multiple births)". Sorry Mello, but my logic is flawless.  
And before you say that it is physically impossible for a man to have  
children, look up seahorses. ;)

And sorry Mello, but I know for a fact that you like Matt. Though I must warn you, that file is  
not work-safe, so view it when you don't want to be interrupted by anything  
(or anyone with the exclusion of Matt). And, um… yeah… IT WASN'T ME, I SWEAR.

So, um, what kind of movies do you like? Horror, action, mystery, romance,  
and you get the idea.

Oh, also I found this smart-person test. I think Near got to number 106,  
so do you think you can beat him? Or me? I got to 103, though. Don't  
forget to let Matt have a go (though he'll probably only be interested for  
the first ten seconds).

And this is for when you get frustrated. It's a great way to vent anger Or you could kick Matt's  
ass at DDR, whatever works for you.

Okayokay, more questions. If you could have a pet, any kind of pet at all,  
what would it be? Do you have MSN? Are you getting annoyed by all my  
stupid questions?

Thanks!  
Aruslym

----------

Dear Aruslym,  
I'm tired of hearing from anybody, but I'm not allowed to stop. Why won't I tell you, you say? Because…of personal reasons. Ahem. Anyway.

Matt says congratulations, but he didn't like that game because where he's staying now (which was formerly the manager's room) has a lot of teddy bears and he keeps getting nightmares about them. Btw, the room is pink and the only reason Matt is putting up with it is that all the game consoles are plugged there. Poor Matt.

I-i-in-intercourse?! I th-thought it was just some weird American dance or something! And since Matt is American, h-he…I…we…INTERCOURSE?! –runs around screaming-

…Hi, Matt here…taking over, since Mello is being a weirdo. …Aaaand ran into a wall. o.o; Uh, anyway. Yeah, I agree with your logic. Mello keeps denying it. Eventually, he'll end up emo and be like, denying everything, and blah blah blah, what am I talking about again? And by the way, male seahorses don't give birth. They have a pouch on their stomach where the females lay eggs. It only appears as they're giving birth because they come out as live young after maturing in the pouch. …What? I didn't become L's third successor for nothing.

I…won't comment on the first video. ;)

I know for a fact that Mello likes sci-fi. He hates action and horror, though, because he says that those are just actors acting and that they can never do anything like that in real life, unlike him, who is way richer and more talented than any celebrity could ever imagine. And I agree. In or out of bed, he is very talented. –nods-

It's not true, eh. I love any game…'cept Conker…for way more than 10 seconds. Try a minute or two. And usually by then, I would have finished small games like this. And so would Mello, I suppose. Hey, does that mean I'm smarter than Near?

Hey, he told you about me sucking at DDR? Damn, the secret has been exposed! I used to rule in that game until he used it to let out his anger. He does the super fast and expert songs, too. Gah. I can't keep up dance pad-wise, but maybe I could if I used the controller. …And yeah, haha, I know that game. Stupid button.

I think Mello wants a penguin for a pet. But he hates the cold and the smell of fish.  
I kinda want a Togepi. Those things are wicked cute.  
The manager has MSN, I think.  
And not really.

Sincerely, Mello & Matt

* * *

**A/N: **Yup, I do have MSN…**winterpumpkin**(at)**hotmail**(dot)**com**. ;D Poor Mello…going crazy! Anyway…please send your awesomely awesome questions to: **snowrabbit399**(at)**gmail**(dot)**com**. 


	35. The Chick Three 6 Note4L! Matt invasion!

**A/N: **Mello would like to address something to master L so that he would stop messaging him everywhere with silent death threads: "I…mailed you back your underwear...now pay me the $3 for shipping." Pretty big…underwear there. D:

* * *

**From:** The Chick Three  
**Subject:** Beauty and Bisexual  
The Chick Three is back and I know you're probably sick of me but ooooooh well.

Dear Melon,  
I tried to tell you what the "horizontal tango" meant, but the censors! They got to me! They threatened me with giant guns that shoot lazers along with ferocious animals that resemble gremlins! And so you were mentally scarred into a state of confusion and craziness to the point where the mental image had somehow managed to physically burn your eyes, causing you to lose sight of where you were running... and crash into the wall. So you can blame it all on the Censoring Men.

OMGSQUEEYESIFINALLYGETANSWERSFROMMATTYAAAAAY... I'm calm. .

ANYWAYS... Down to business. Well today I was (secretly) watching the Disney Beauty and the Beast film, and it made me wonder what kind of inanimate object I would be if I were cursed like those in that movie. My friends think I would be a broom/mop... I don't know why. xD; I think it's because I have bushy hair so my head kinda look likes a mop..? Personally, I think I would make an excellent computer because I'm always on this machine. Having said that, Melon, what do YOU think YOU would be if you became a magical household mabobber? Feel free to ask Matty for opinions... and while you're at it, you two decide what he would be.. even though he'll probably just say he's a PS3 or something. :3

On the topic of Disney films... What's your favorite? Matt's? And when I say "Disney films" I'm talking about all the old classics that were the spiffy musicals. I always adored Aladdin. I believa it has the best soundtrack out of them all. I might secretly have all the songs on my ipod... Also, it came out the year I was born. The Jungle Book was another good one.

Yo, Melon, got a myspace? That's random, I know. But I'm currently fiddling with mine and thought I would ask... Or I should make you one. I actually have a quote from you in my myspace. 0.o It's from a fanfic, though... I thought it was quite humorous.

Aww Matt's seme? How adorable! Look at the cute little uke of a Melon limp!!!!!!!! -mocks- ... 0.o;;; Don't shoot your seme! D:

Ohh was the thing Aruslym sent you The Impossible Quiz??? If it was, 103 is amazing. I've only made it up to question, like, 65 After 4 days... xD; I guess I'm rather unintelligent. If it wasn't the thing she was talking about... you should totally take The Impossible Quiz. Show off your geniusness.

Linkage: www. notdoppler .com / theimpossiblequiz . php

Do you like to read? What do you read? I don't like to read TOO much but I like some Shakespeare and some fantasy and romance. I'm a big romantic, I'll have you know... but i is just wonderin if thas how u pplz get yo' smawts. xP -dumbface-

Peace out home skillets::::Det Kylling Tre (My Norweigan name sounds like "Da Killing Tree" o.o;)

P.S. I should secretly steal your managers MSN name and harass her. D

----------

Dear The Chick Three,  
_Thank you_! Finally…someone understands WHY I crashed into a wall! The manager and Matt insist that I'm just clumsy and dense and innocent to what the horizontal tango means, but now, for the latter, I can say that is false! Hah!…uh, I mean…ew. –is proud of being smarter, but didn't really like the new found knowledge-

Beauty and the Beast is ancient! Was there even a computer then? …What? Matt says you're right about him wanting to be a PS3, because it can do 3 different things at the same time (what you can make of that, I have no idea). …Oh, and he also says he wants to be a pokéball. Anyway…me…I guess I'd be chocolate; or a hair curler…maybe even some bondage stuff and a gag-ball…a thong, perhaps? …Huh? Oh, yeah. PG-13 only. Never mind.

My manager likes those Disney stuff. I try to stay away from it, because that, the Telletubbies and Blue's Clues were the only ones being shown on the Whammy House TV. I'm…sick of it. But Near, who claims to have uber-spiffy memory, says that I used to point and laugh at Ariel a lot because she wore seashells as bras; and the only seashells I had ever seen were the really small ones from the beach. So…if her boobs were…god, what is it, Matt?! …I AM keeping it PG-13! Shut up! No, g-get away—ke;dnge…

…Hullo, the Killing Tree. Melon gets a time-out for now because he's gonna get us fired. And I'm still saving up for my 4th PS3. Anyway…Mello used to cry every time he saw Bambi. And when he was Bambi II earlier this year, he sobbed like crazy. You shoulda seen it. His false eyelashes fell off! Hahahaha—er, uhm, I meant, his not-false eyelashes remained stuck to his eyelid as it's…uh, supposed to be. …You can take the gun away now, Melon-kun. …A reason? Is the fact that I am your hot, loving seme not good enough? …I thought so.

The manager has Myspace; Mello doesn't…the poor deprived boy. Maybe you should make one for him. And let's hear the quote! …Of course I'm seme. I'm taller, older, cooler and appears in less panels (thus making me sexily mysterious). Although my only flaw as the dominant one is that I'm crap at DDR, and I smell like peanuts and ramen, the only food convenient enough to eat in between loading screens. Melon-kun wants me to smell like chocolate. But…those things are expensive, y'know…chocolate perfume.

Yeah, that was the Impossible Quiz. As I said, I finished all of it in a little more than a minute. Way easy. I'm betting Mello would do the same, but the manager doesn't like us loading huge flash files. It kills the computer. -.-;

I…don't read. Even back in the Whammy House. The only way Roger got me to read anything was through video games. It also develops your strategy-making-up-ability and bash-the-buttons-as-fast-as-you-can-specialty. Yes sir, I'm a very talented person. Mello bullies Near into reading out loud the material because he's lazy. Yesterday, when the manager found out you can bully Near to do that, she invited him and made him read to her Merchant of Venice for her English class. I think…they're still not done until now.

Okay, this is way too long now! Melon is whining for someone to unlock his door (lock's on the outside) and something about needing to go tinkle. So…I have to go stay outside his door and tease him about it. See ya.

Sincerely, Matt  
ps. Yes you should.

* * *

**A/N: **This was way long! D:! But at least you get to know about them. Yup. Poor perverted, Myspace-deprived Melon-kun. Btw, my Myspace is **www**(dot)myspace(dot)**com**(slash)**ria399**. Feel free to add me there (although I really don't check that often), and in MSN. ;D Email your Qs to **snowrabbit399**(at)**gmail**(dot)**com**. 


	36. Pashchan

**A/N: **Editted chapter names to be the senders of the questions.

* * *

**From:** Pash-chan  
**Subject:** Hello Mellie-Mel  
Dear Mellie, (Do you mind if I call you that?)

I have a couple of questions that have bothering me lately and I need you ease my troubled mind.

Are you a pimp? (No offense, but that jacket that you wore while hanging out with your Mafia Dudes...That clothing was so pimpish, that wasn't even funny. OO) And if you aren't, do you have pimpish tendencies? How do you feel about girls, or even women in general? Was there ever any fights over mirror time while you were living with Halle? How about L with a chocolate bar?

Well thats all for now.

Ciao,  
Pash-chan

----------

Dear Pash-chan,  
I'm a faithful partner who returns the love given to me. I am sincere in my actions and treasure the company of others. ……Although, I can't help it if I'm incredibly hot and all the people in the world love me and wants a piece of me. Honestly, it can be hard, but with the strength of my convictions, I can survive.

Women…are…like dessert. Chocolate is lunch and dinner. Women is dessert. What is breakfast? Eh, depends on desert. ;)

Sincerely, Mello

* * *

**A/N: **Oh my, Mello's getting cheeky! Tsk tsk. Email your Qs to **snowrabbit399**(at)**gmail**(dot)**com**. 


	37. Beep 2

**A/N: **Editted chapter names to be the senders of the questions.

* * *

**From:** -beep!-  
**Subject:** To Mello IM SRRY  
HEY MELLO!! ITS ME MEMBER THE ONE YA WANTED TO KILL AND MA NAME IS SO KEEP DAT HANDY WITH CHA IF YA GET A DEATH NOTE O AND MATT CAN BE SOO MEAN!! JUST CUZ I TEASED YA A BIT MAN GET SOME ANGER-MANAGEMENT CLASSES!!! O AND IM SORRY FOR TEASING YA BUT DONT WRRY I STILL LYK YAS AND U LOOK SOOO KAWAII WEN U GET MAD AND I THINK MATT THINKS SO TOO BUT U CAN GET LIL SCARY O.O AND I WANNA ASK A FEW QUESTIONS...

1. What do ya think about Garnier (ya know the shampoo)  
2. Do ya know wut Polo Black is?  
3. NO SERIOUSLY WHAT KIND OF NAME IS MIHAEL KEEHL!!  
4. are you a Jew? (yeah yeah i asked dat question but i wanna know from you)  
5. Do ya know wut Melona is?  
6. If you could go candyland where would you go first?  
7. when you first saw L wut did ya think?  
8. Isnt L great ( well better den u hee hee)  
9. To bad you and Matt and L died man all the important people die first. ( doesnt that suck)  
10. Does Matt go on MapleStory? ( or does he think its ONLY for kids)  
11. Do you go on MapleStory?  
12. Man ya know on Gaia (if ya know wut it is) THERE R SOO MANY MELLO AND MATT POSERS!!! wut do ya think about them.  
13. If you saw the GIRL version of you (if you arent already a girl enough) wut would ya do?  
14. did ya ever go into rehab once?  
15. Arent I irritatin hee hee hee does peace sign

and thats it with ma questions to you so and im srry for being a meanie to yah but the good thing is while you were hunting for me Matt wrote back and really defended you cuz ya know i teased ya so YAY!! Its really great you have a friend lyk Matt

P.S.: What would u do if you saw Michael Jackson in front of your door and u didnt have a gun..

----------

Dear –beep-,  
Oh my god, the capitals…they burn my ears and rip out my eyes. But I "gave you your flowers" already, so I'm okay and not deaf/blind.  
1 Garnier is cheap and useless. Buy the expensive ones. They usually work.  
2 Uhm…no?  
3 Its Slovenian and German, duh.  
4 You will NEVER see my precious hair being covered by that weird cap thing!  
5 Uhm…a place? D: -needs to recall his Whammy lessons-  
6 Chocolate city. No effin' doubt.  
7 I was very young then. I remember wanting to steal his chocolate, though.  
8. Want more "flowers"? I've got lots.  
9. SH! I did not die, I tell you! I locked myself in a bathroom and never came out!  
10. I have no idea. Nor do I really care about what Matt plays. He never tells me anyway. I thought I heard my name in one of those games, too.  
11. Nope…crappy internet.  
12. –holds head- C'mon, c'mon…breathe…don't let the n00b spelling get to you…phew…just relax.  
13. I've seen Misa Amane way too many times already, thank you.  
14. For what?! I'm not on crack or anything! …Er, technically.  
15. Way more than you can ever imagine.

Matt did that? Man, now I have to make him win on DDR for "defending me" or whatever…pfft, never asked him to, but whatever.

Sincerely, Mello  
ps. Is he there to sell me his amusement park or to molest me? Because I'd slit his throat either way.

* * *

**A/N:** Mello HAS been attending anger management classes. It's working, don't you think? Just give him some breathing exercises and he's all calm and high. Like a hippy. Like L! Hee hee. Btw, I don't go on MS, but I go on Gaia. My username is **Yu-Tan.**Email your Qs to **snowrabbit399**(at)**gmail**(dot)**com**. 


	38. Dark Pocholate

**A/N: **I…my brain is officially mush. Statistics/Algebra class is horrible. Stupid Matt and Mello wouldn't help me until I bought Matt his PS3 and pick up Mello's dry cleaning. So…………I asked my classmate to do it for me for nothing. Yay!

**From:** Dark Pocholate

**Subject:** I've Got Beauty Questions and chocolate

Dear Mello,

I bet that subject got your attention. Well, sexy kid, you've been TRICKED! There's no chocolate in here! HAHAHAHA.Haha.Ha...ha. Uhm yeah, well I've got a very important thing to tell you.

YOU. ARE. DEAD.

Oh yes, my dear. YOU. ARE. SO. DEAD. So how the hell do you ACTUALLY think you could be answering all these questions, huh? HUH? YOU ARE DEAD. AND DON'T TELL ME "OH NO, TAKADA KILLED MY TWIN BROTHER". LIE. LIE. LIE!!!! AND OH YEAH THEN YOU SAY YOU WERE LOCKED IN THE BATHROOM FOR LIKE, FOREVER? LIAR! THERE ARE NO BATHROOMS IN WHEREVER YOU WERE, YOU KNOW, THAT CHURCH? SO GUESS WHAT? YOU ARE DEAD! YES YOU ARE! OKAY? FINE.

But I don't like it when you are dead, so I send you this Phoenix Down. If you don't know what the hell that stupid, shiny feather is for, ask Matt. He'll know.

Anyway, don't you think I'm sending this email without asking you questions. Yes, questionS, which is a plural.

1. Do you like ice cream? If so, what's your favorite flavor?

2. Were you really sorry when Matt died? Or were you relieved? Just asking. Because you've said he's such a stalker and that...

3. How old are you? Sorry, too lazy to research.

4. I've got one for Matt, too! HI MATT YOU ARE COOL : D Okay, then, let's keep on. Why do you wear goggles? AND ANOTHER ONE. Where is your name from? Mail Jeevas? Just asking.

5. This is for both of you: Did you ever meet L? If so, what do you think about his poor fashion sense?

6. What do you do when you can't sleep?

7. What are Matt's talents?(Yes, I know, PLAYING VIDEOGAMES.)

8. I've heard Matt's boxers have little faces of you in them, is that true? Ask Matt for me, kay?

OKAY ENOUGH QUESTIONS. I know you hate capital letters, but it's my way of representing I'm shouting. Yes, honey, I like to shout.

With love,

Dark Pocholate

P.S. You know what? Your hair looks like if it was covered with honey :3 I love honey. They say your hair smells good, I bet that's true. I would love to smell it!

----------

Dear Dark Pocholate,

You…are so mean! D:!

I-I'm going to make sure Matt and the rest of the gang will come to your house and "give you flowers". Lots and lots of "flowers"! Y-you shouldn't ruin fans' dreams like that! D: Y-you…-starts to cry-…! Gahd, be strong, Mello…strong Mello…-sniffs- Siiiiighhhhh. Okay. Right. WHATEVER! STOP PUTTING UP THE TRUTHS THAT I PRETEND ARE LIES FOR THE SAKE OF THE SO MANY CAPITAL LETTERS HOLY SHIT my eyes are about to explode.

Revive potion, eh? Why did we ever think of that when I DIEEEED. YA HEAR THAT?!!?1! I AM DED! D-E-D, DED! …-goes to a corner to be emo-

1. Ice cream is for dopes. If it spills on me, it ruins my leather. But popsicles aren't so bad. Chocolate flavor all the way.

2. At the time, I was sorry I guess. His last will was for me to finish all his saved games in his memory cards for him. And I was sorry because I accidentally erased them all. Oh well.

3. Depends when you're asking. As of 2007, I am 17.

…Hm? Oh, Matt says you're cool, too. And he's going to kick me out of the computer now because he found out the secret (see answer number 2). I ju—will you just shurrup, Matt! I'm still talki—fjndf;vjdf…

…Yo. Matt here.

4. The goggles make me look cooler than usual, if that's even possible. And aside from 24/7 direct TV-radiation, the sun will burn through my eyes. Common sense. And my name comes from my parents. Common sense times two.

5. We did back when we were way younger. Mello was also bad at fashion back then (Near's fashion now is better than Mello's fashion then), so we didn't really mind. I hardly looked at L, though. The TV and the PS2 kept getting in the way…

6. I'd try playing that Hospital game on the PS1. I mean, after you finish your hospital, you just wait…and wait…and sleep…and wait…

7. I have a lot of talents, mind you. I…just can't think of any at the moment.

8. Oh shit, he told you that?! I-ignore everything he said! Forget everything!

Sincerely, Mello and Matt

ps. Yeah, Mello's head does smell good. He changes shampoo every other day. During weekends, he usually goes for banana-smelling ones. Mid-week, he'd change to honey. Awesome trivia, yes? …Don't ask how I knew, though.

**A/N: **Thank you for…some person (forgot the name, sorry D:!)…who corrected me back in Chapter 35. Matt is younger than Mello, but only by a really, really little bit. I'm pretty sure it's true now that she mentioned it, but I'm too lazy to confirm. Anyway, thanks! Send your Qs to: **snowrabbit399**(at)**gmail**(dot)**com. Please don't make them uber uber uber stupid** (there is a fine line between funny and stupid). **We won't post them if so. THANK YOU!**


	39. Lynn Riku Aiori 2

**A/N: **Matt and I managed to dare Mello to wear denim. He agreed, but we had to give him 10 12-inch long chocolate bunnies, that WEREN'T hollow. But who cares? Mello…in DENIM! Ehehehehehehe!

* * *

**From:** Aiori (lyyn rikku)  
**Subject:** Beauty and Normal Questions for Mello  
Hello mello is me..uh.I guess you don't remember...that's okay though

I'm writing you again because you have a (rabid) fangirl here in mexico..nop  
not me..here she is..

OH POR DIOS MELLO TE AMO!! ERES MIO NO DE NADIE NI SIKIERA DE MATT LO  
ENTENDISTE??!! PORKE MORISTES??? PORKE??!!! MELLO REGRESA!!!YO

you know what? I just hit her...she spill my cofee on my desk..but since I'm  
so nice I'll finish this letter

anyway..I can see you like DDR...which is your favorite song? I personally  
love butterfly and turn me on(is really a nice song..but the sexually lyrics  
are stupid..) she liked the one um.."Boom Boom Dollar"? I guess is call like  
that..but since your apearence in death note..she became obsesed with one  
call "Have you never been MELLOw"..can you believe that? ush..fangilrs..

she says you're "mafia-gangstar-Pimp"..but she wants me to ask you since she  
is so stupid she doesn't know english(she: Fuck you) except curse  
words...what do you like most? been a mafia leader? lookin gangstar? or been  
a pimp?(I think all 3 are the same..correct me if I'm wrong..)

WHY DO PEOPLE CALL YOU MELON? I just don't get it..I mean it doesn't make  
sense..Mello Melon where did the N came from?

she wants me to tell you to tell her..uh..is so stupid..um do you take bath  
of chocolate..?(--)you know as skin care..gosh that's stupid!

do you ever wanted to get tatoos? do you watch tv? do you like to cook?  
(WTF? What kind of questions are these? (she: WRITE MOTHERFUCKER)(...)

okay that's it. I'm leaving.(I'm leaving my own house!! oh come on!)

Thank you for your time Mello..and sorry about this..

take care

p.s: Matt I don't know why I just feel like doing what you do..(takes a  
cigarrete out) oh darn..I was suposed to be "quiting" smoking...

----------

Dear Aiori,  
I have no idea what you mean, but I think the first part is supposed to be something like "OMG Mello my love" or something. And isn't 'porke' supposed to be 'por que'? The manager's nationality was influenced greatly by the Spanish, so…whatever.

Boom Boom Dollar is way too cheap and easy. Love Butterfly can just flap away for all I care. And finally, Turn Me On…isn't turning me on one bit. And yes, DDR is apparently the only game in the universe at the moment that I can beat Matt in. Aside from that, though, I bet I'd rule in Crash Bandicoot.

"Have you ever been MELLOw"…? What the eff is that supposed to mean?

Let's do it slowly. Mafia leaders expects you to look Italian and speak with a cigar in your mouth always. Gangsters have these weird skullcaps that ruin their hair. Pimps are…undeniably unfashionable. So I guess I would rather be/am none of them. But for what its worth, I guess I want to be…L.

Melon is, apparently, my new nickname. It's stup—I;dfjbg…

Sup, Matt here. I tied Mello to a pole because I feel like I should be answering this one. Anyway, I don't remember what chapter it was, but Mello said that I loved/wanted to marry/have intercourse with him. Always claiming that he is straight, he tried to cover up his sentence, which was something like "He loves me, Mel—on! MELON! Matt loves melons!" …Funny, yes?

So...yeah. The Chick Three picked it up and then started calling Mello, Melon. And it matches.

Melon-kun taking a bath in chocolate? Heheh…what an idea.

Btw, Mello does have tattoos, but its in parts that should be unspoken of. Mello doesn't watch TV nor does he want to cook anything other than chocolate cake and chocolate cookies, so that he can lick the spoon. And shush, harsh words have no place here.

Sincerely, Matt

* * *

**A/N: **Yeah…just some clearing up if anyone wonders why he's being called Melon. According to Mello, though, melons are tasteless and icky and associated with boobs too often. And thus, he is offended. Send your Qs to: **snowrabbit399**(at)**gmail**(dot)**com.**


	40. Aruslym 5 Near replacement!

**A/N: **After chatting with Aruslym on MSN and wondering wai da hellurz NearXMatt would happen, and after she sent me some questions, I decided to call in the expert who isn't an ounce bit funny. Warning…very philosophical answers.

* * *

**From:** Aruslym  
**Subject:** Beauty Secrets and Stupid Questions  
Hiya Mello and Matt!

Harhar, I know you missed me. And I'm sorry for nearly burning your brain  
with the true definition of the 'Horizontal Tango', I just didn't want you  
to live your life in ignorance.

Also, the icons attatched are my gift to your manager since I promised I'd  
find some for her. I can get more if she wants.  
And, yeah… I'm braindeded.

Melon is not ded, I dun care what Dark Pocholate says. And yes, I'm more  
than willing to join the war against those who doubt Melon's greatness. So  
go burn in hell! Matt is not ded, either, dammit. LIES, I SAY!

Okay, I stop with capslock abuse now C:

Now for questions!  
1. Why do we drive on parkways and park in driveways?  
2. Why do noses run and feet smell?  
3. Why do you have to click the "Start" button to stop Windows?  
4. Why is it that when someone tells you that there's billions of stars in yhe universe, you believe them. But if they tell you there's wet paint somewhere you have to touch it?  
5. Did you ever notice that if you blow in a dogs face it gets mad, yet when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head straight out the window?  
6. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?  
7. Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?  
8. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?  
9. If the professor on Giligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut,why can't he fix a hole in a boat?  
10. Why do banks leave the door wide open but the pens chained to the counter?  
11. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Okay I'm done, thank you. :3  
Aruslym

----------

Dear Aruslym,  
Greetings. I am neither Mello nor Matt.

I am hardly surprised if Mello didn't know what 'horizontal tango' is. He wouldn't know sex unless if banged him from behind. And I'm afraid you are too late. Mello is ignorance incarnated. No sexual innuendo can ever change that. But I appreciate you trying. Mello needs friends that care, and not friends that are as horny as a bull.

After managing to hack Mello's computer, I saw those icons. …Is that what they've been doing during the whole investigation? Shagging? No wonder Mello couldn't run away fast enough before the bomb exploded on him…he was limp.

I agree with Dark Pocholate (is that a cutesy name or just a really far-off typo?). Mello is dead; D-E-A-D, dead (shame for the said boy for misspelling that). And who is to blame? Matt. But he died before Mello, so we can't sue him.

1. The difference between parkways and driveways are irrelevant. The fact that we can put a car in one of them, either parking or driving, makes it a path. So let's all call them pathways.  
2. Anything can smell. People can smell, food can smell, school can smell, and thus, why are we surprised if feet can smell?  
3. Because the Start button contains everything you need to get started. Ever heard of "starting to end"? You can't end if you never started.  
4. I'm not as big of an idiot to do that.  
5. I…try not to get close to dogs. They make me sneeze.  
6. Cheese can't talk. But if they could, they would say, "Me".  
7. The world itself is hypothetical. And thus…uhm…no.  
8. You have succeeded in failing. Common sense.  
9. Because he doesn't have enough coconuts to plug the hole.  
10. Their pens are very high-tech. They record the user's fingerprints.  
11. That can't be true. Mello is a complete moron, but he has no morals.

Sincerely, Near

* * *

**A/N: **OMG. I think we stumped Near in a question (7)! 8D! Hooray for us smart peoples :B!! Send your Qs to: **snowrabbit399**(at)**gmail**(dot)**com**. 


	41. Pookie776

**A/N: **I officially love NC-17 phone sex fics for Mello and Matt forever.

* * *

**From:** Pookie776  
**Subject:** Dear-est Mello  
DEAR Mello...

Firt off, I'd like to say that you are made of awesome.  
Scratch that.  
You AND Matt are made of awesome. ...And better than Near.  
Hokay? Hokay.  
I also have a few questions (surprise, surprise) for you and Matt...

1) Mello...where do you keep your chocolate stash? Like, when you're out on the road, do you keep some in your pants just in case you happen to run out? ...Which pocket?  
2) -cough- What would you say if I were to tell you that I had undeniable proof that your hair colour is indeed too blonde to be natural? I mean, it's like, NEON! It probably blinds everyone you run into, poor people. ): ... :D  
3) MATT! What are Matt's views on pudding?  
4) What's it like to look upon the world in those completely tinted goggles? Isn't everything ORANGE? (Does Mello look hotter orange-tinted?)

I'll end this now before I end up in a body bag tomorrow morning.  
KEEP ON...UH...TRUCKIN'...AN' PLOTTING. :3  
Plotting...to rule the world...an' stuff.  
I know you're itching to do THAT.

Pookie776  
p.s. I envy your manager infinetly.

----------

Dear Pookie776,  
Yes. We are made of awesome. The type of awesome that is more awesome than Near can ever awesomely hope to be. Got it memorized?

1 My chocolate stash is none of your business. If I told you, they might steal it. But yes, I do keep some in my coat's chest pocket and pants (in every pocket) just in case. I know they won't try to steal from there unless they want their balls ripped out and fed to their grandmother. Pretty sight, yes?  
2. Blame the stupid animators for their stupid coloring of my awesome (more awesome than Near) hair! That's why I had to wear a hood. -.-;  
3. Matt likes junkfood because it's the only one convenient enough to eat while going on a FFX-2 marathon (aka finishing it thrice in one sitting). Thus, worships pudding.  
4. I've tried those goggles on. Yes, everything is completely orange. Oranges look more orange than usual, too. And btw, I look hot no matter what color I am. Orange, I guess, just neutralizes my "neon hair".

You bet your ass I am.

Sincerely, Mello  
ps. I know you do.

* * *

**A/N: **I am envied! We managed to get Near down here, too (after he hacked my computer…), but I'm sure you Mello/Matt fans don't really care. Heheheh. X3 Send your Qs to: **snowrabbit399**(at)**gmail**(dot)**com**. 


	42. Dark Pocholate 2

**A/N: **Note for Soysauce: Thanks for showing me that Photobucket link…so much MxM goodness. XD; Too bad links can't be posted here. :/

* * *

**From:** Dark Pocholate  
**Subject:** Guess what. I'm back.  
Dear Mello,

I am sorry for tricking you last time. So I send you two chocolate bars.

LAST TIME I GOT A MATT INVASION IN MY REPLY YAY :D I'M SO HAPPY -explodes-

Sorry, I'm back. Okay, so what I wanted to say was that lately, I've been seeing a lot of people that stole your haircut. Like my mom, for example. Or the Science teacher. She dyed her hair blond and cut it like your hair. And He-Man. Has anybody tell you before that you look like He-Man? Because a friend of mine said "Hey, Mello looks like He-Man." but I got mad because He-Man is gay and stuff and wears really tiny underwear. Sincerely I hate He-Man but I love you.

Lately I've been drawing this comic called "Mello's ABC" based on this fan fiction called "Mello's ABC". Just wanted to tell you.

Oh, and why don't you like ice cream? Well, do you at least like jelly? What is your favorite flavor? Have you ever been able to jump the rope? I know you don't like melons. I don't like melons either but people keep calling you melon, it's a funny nickname. Marshmello, I prefer that nickname. Do you like chocolate milk?

Sincerely,

Dark Pocholate

-----------

Dear Pocholate,  
Those bars better be Godiva.

Everyone has been trying to steal my haircut. It's just…_that_…sexy. In one of those music videos by…uh…that Virgin Material Girl…Madonna, was it? She had my haircut and leather. It was reported somewhere that she is a fan of me. Hah. Not surprised. …He-Man? Who caaaaares about that fag? And I bet he doesn't even wear underwear! Like, they only Photoshopped a leotard AFTER filming! It's sick, I tell you. Sick.

Good luck on trying to draw perfection incarnated known as me.

Ice cream…makes my hands all sticky and it ruins my leather. I can bare chocolate ice cream, sure, but…eh. When I was in trouble back in the Whammy House, I was often put on a jelly-for-dessert diet, the only food that didn't have chocolate flavour at the time. I'm not sure about now…

Jump the rope? Eh. I RULE at jump rope. Near keeps tripping over his own PJs. The idiot. …Everyone calls me either Marshmello or Melon nowadays. -.-; And yes, chocolate milk for the effing win.

Sincerely, Mello

* * *

**A/N: **I'm betting PP's username is from a song from Interpol? Great band. And…-steals all the brownies- They're chocolate! Mello needs them all. I'm sure you understand. Send all your Qs to: **snowrabbit399**(at)**gmail**(dot)**com**. 


	43. Misticat The MMM answers!

**A/N: **Hyper fangirls make Mello hyper, too. …Hyper to keehl:P (Pun very much intented).

* * *

**From:** MistiCat (:D lol hi!)  
**Subject:** Stuff... (I have like 4528347509 questions.)You dont have to answer ALL of them,(Cause some are super uber stupid) but most would be nice!  
OMG! HI MELLO AND MATT! You two are AWSOMENESS! (Mostly Matt w ) and...and... YAY!

Where do you live? You keep saying you like expensive stuff, so why not have an expensive house. (If so then can I move in?(Only if Matt lives there too (It kinda sounds that way) - - ) please!)

Did you ever dress up (or has been dressed up as) a girl? I heard somewhere that you have.

In one answer you said you had "everything"... Does that mean everything "everything" or just "everything"?

Why does your hair look alot like my friends (shes a girl)? I mean, you may attract some unwanted stalkers of the same gender o-o...

Do you and Matt have nicknames for your nicknames? (or just other nicknames)EX: My nickname is Misti, but one of my friends calles me Mist...

Is your chocolate a substitute gone wrong for some other addiction? If so try useing it on Matt for me.

- - QUESTIONS FOR MATT NOW!

Ok... Mello probially said no but... CAN I MOVE IN WITH YOU!? PLZZ!!! If not can I have your adress any way - - ?

Can I have a hug?

What are yout top 5 favroite games?

Do you watch horror movies? I reccomend Stay Alive if ya do! (sorry, no pun intended WHATSOEVER! -- Its about a killer video game...)

Are you a stalker? "They" say you are...

Questions for the manager:D

Is it hard being Mello's manager?

Do you bribe him into doing this? (I woudent be able to even with a bribe! XD)

PS!!!!! Ok, as you most likely noticed my spelling SUCKS! Yay! Soooo please excuse the misspellings -

-----------

Dear Misticat,  
"4528347509"? Is that the real number of questions you have (I can count 14) or did you bang your head to the number pad?

Currently, me and Matt live with the manager (her country's on her profile page). But before that, as you should know, I was settled in LA with the gang. And by the way, we're a mafia…you know, a group that is hired to secretly kill people. So if we had a super expensive house that attracts a lot of attention, then it would be really hard to secretly kill, now wouldn't it?

But to answer your question, no! You can't move in. I don't want to hear the manager whining more about so many people at her house. It's MY job to whine.

- If I did dress up as a girl, it was purely for official and business reasons. I'm no fag.  
- Everything! MEANING, everything "everything" AND just "everything. Got it? Good.  
- I have a lot of unwanted stalkers. Too late to warn me now.  
- Er…no? A nickname is a nickname, y'know. More nicknames are just confusing.  
- I'm NOT addicted to chocolate. I can stop whenever I want! I just choose not to!

………Sup, Matt here. It's rare that Mello lets me answer my questions. -.-;

- Sorry. The manager's paranoid about internet security. Ask and get to know her directly, if you want it. Although, I'm pretty sure the manager has a guest room.  
- Sure. Hug your computer. Pretend it's me.  
- Top five? Mario, Zelda, FF7, Sims2, Pokemon and Street Fighter.  
- Horror movies make me laugh. Honestly. They are funny as hell.  
- Who are "they", eh? Hmm.. –goes to find out-

……OMG, people are asking me questions! XD; Yay. I feel special, yes.

- It is very hard. –nods-  
- I do bribe him. And it's hard because my money is running out fast. D: And so, every e-mail sent to me with give me $2 for –insert Mello's stupid charity here-. But I just use it to pay him. It's tedious. D:

Sincerely, Mello, Matt and the Manager (MMM! XD)

* * *

**A/N: **MMM…hahaha. Aweosme. Anyway, thanks for the questions guys! Help me pay Mello's salary! Send all your Qs to: **snowrabbit399**(at)**gmail**(dot)**com**. 


	44. They Call Me Soysauce

**A/N: **Note for Soysauce: Thanks for showing me that Photobucket link…so much MxM goodness. XD; Too bad links can't be posted here. :/

* * *

**From:** They Call Me Soysauce  
**Subject:** Beauty Secrets and Other Crap  
Hi Mello!! (Say hi to Matt for me too, okay?) I would have written sooner, but I was busy working on my MattxMello fic. (Mello, you're uke; don't shoot me!)

Okay, I'm going to try to get my fangirliness out of the way first. Have you seen this picture? –insert picture of Mello in a frilly two-piece dress- Would you ever wear something like that? (If you did, I'm sure Matt would be tempted to show you some more "secret moves" in "breakfast"!! -wink wink-)

So how good are you at DDR? I'm pretty good. Can you beat me at it? Why don't you and Matt come to my DDR party?

You say that you got your clothes from Gucci. In that case, did you get a matching purse for your gun, too? (I'd think that you'd have to go someplace where you can't stash your gun in your pants sometime.) Or did that come from Prada?

Earlier, you mentioned that Matt's orange goggles are just swim goggles. How can you say that?! They're not just swim goggles, they're super smexy swim goggles!! By the way, you to are so toastally uber smexy (that's why there's a "m" in "smexy"), especially together!! (Heh heh, the fangirliness came back.)

You've said that you don't shave your armpits, right? But you have to be lieing!! In every picture, they're so freakin' smooth!! So, with that said, I've concluded that you: 1) are lieing, or 2) have yet to reach puberty. (So is that why you stick your gun in the front of you pants?)

Okay, well, that's all. For now.

-Soysauce

-----------

Dear They Call Me Soysauce,  
Matt says hi, and that he doesn't want to go to your DDR party because he sucks at it. And me winning over everyone else in the party isn't so challenging/fun. Thus, we decline.

…Breakfast? Ah, right. Eheh. We'll see about that.

Hahaha! A purse?! HAH! Manly men like me don't need purses! The only thing that belongs in purses are lipstick and foundation, which I already have, thank you very much! And besides…Gucci doesn't give free purses anymore. :/ My shoes are from Prada. And before you make a joke about it, no, I am NOT wearing stilettos.

Yeah, but those goggles are just so stupid! Matt can't even swim!

There is can't be "smexy" without the "M". Good one. I think I'll use that.

Haven't you people ever one thought that maybe, just MAYBE, God bestowed all his beautiful powers on me and made the world as such that I, and only I, don't have to deal with the unnecessary things in life such as body hair?! Huh? HUUUUHHH???!

…I didn't think so.

Puberty in the Whammy House is was way beyond terrible! Don't joke something like that. And I use my front pocket as a metaphor. I have one hell of a "gun" under all the clothes, and it can "shoot".

Sincerely, Mello

* * *

**A/N: **What a metaphor, Mello. 'Gratz on spending 0.00001 seconds thinking about it. Send all your Qs to: **snowrabbit399**(at)**gmail**(dot)**com**. 


	45. Public Pervert

**A/N: **Yay...lots of updates. XD;;

* * *

**From:** Public-Pervert  
**Subject:** Beauty Secrets...Okay, I lie :D  
Mello-liscious, (How's that for a nickname?)

Hello Mello! (And matt, because I know you're playing Playstation right now, trying to recover your lost data.) Before a begin, I'd like to say that it's okay to be deeply, undeniably in love with Matt: It's normal. I mean, would you rather me pair you up with Near? -snickers-

Anyway, my question focuses on one thing (Matt might want to answer this one, too) FANGIRLS. I've seen them, they're SCARY. Trust me, if I was you, I'd hot glue that bathroom door I was in so they couldn't get into the bathroom (You? Die? PAH! What kind of idiot would believe that?)

Anyway, how do avoid them so well? Knowing them, they would have probably gotton your address off Wikipedia by now (Or at least Matt's gamer tag- by the way, what is it?) Because, y'know, nobody fangirls over unsightly little Near (Sorry Near fans) Don't worry about me, I'm more of a Matsuda kinda girl (But Teru Mikami isn't that bad)

From,

Public-Pervert

P.S: My mom just made some lovley brownies. Would you and Matt care for some? Your producer can have one too, if they want. Your people can call my people.

-----------

Dear Public Pervert,  
"Mello-liscious"…couldn't be truer.

I am NOT deeply, undeniably in love with Matt! I still can't get why you people think that. I mean, have you seen the anime/manga? I haven't kissed or hugged him! I don't even do that smiley that those bimbo anime girls do when they see their crush. You know, the innocent combination of Shift+6 and underscore that turned deadly?

I'm just SAYING that I'm not surprised if Matt was the one deeply and undeniably in love with me! Same goes for Near, too, the little bitch.

I did hot glue the bathroom door. That is why I couldn't get out. Thank god another person understands and believes me! Episode 35 and Chapter 99 are myths. MYTHS, I TELL YOU. And so is Wikipedia. Wikipedia is the largest myth in the world. Nothing there is true. Whatever it says there about me or Matt or what happened between us, is NOT TRUE!

…What? There's nothing there about what happened between me and Matt?

……………………Oh.

Forget I said anything.

Sincerely, Mello  
ps. Torturing Matsuda FTW.

* * *

**A/N: **I'm betting PP's username is from a song from Interpol? Great band. And…-steals all the brownies- They're chocolate! Mello needs them all. I'm sure you understand. Send all your Qs to: **snowrabbit399**(at)**gmail**(dot)**com**. 


	46. The Chick Three 7

**A/N: **I wrote a random MattXMello oneshot. Check it out? XD; -plugging-

* * *

**From:** The Chick Three  
**Subject:** Beauty Secrets  
Dear MATT,

... -pokes you- Oh dear, the cigarettes are making you delusional. D: Sorry, luv, but you are not older. It's okay though, seeing how L is about seven years older than Light and still the murderous lunatic is on top. -shrugs-

Anyways, back to the Melon.

Dear Melon-kun,

I would be ecstatic to form a myspace for you but I don't have your e-mail addresses. :3 I can't use mine twice so ask your manager if she has an e-mail address for you. Then I'll get to work on it, more than happily (I have a talent at making myspace profiles smexy).

... wtf? NearXMatt? 0.o W-Wha- wh- whyy??? I don't get it. They... Ha- have they...? Owwww! The idea makes my brain hurt. xx

Larf. About The Little Mermaid, me and my friend don't really care for it because we have this theory that the only reason Ariel wanted to become human was so she could have a vagina and have sex with men. She obviously can't have sex with that big fin... Or can she?

Mello, how do fish have sex? ...WHAT? This is PG-13 talk for sure! x3

Questions? Yeah I got some of those...

1. If I made you the Mad Hatter in a Death Note/Wonderland world, who would be the March Hare, Matt or Near? Because seriously, I haven't been able to decide. .  
2. If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it.. does it make a sound? Ahg, that's too simple... If a tree falls in a forest but a SQUIRREL is around to hear it, does it make a sound? What if the tree lands on the squirrel? Does it make a sound? Or does the squirrel make a sound when it's squashed?  
3. Are you going to beat up Near for hacking your computer? (-waves- HIYA LIL ALBINO RABBIT CHILD! ... I mean Near. :x)  
5. Are you going to beat up Near for Matt (potentially) cheating on you with him:3  
6. A man is lying dead in a desert with a backpack. How did he die?  
7. A man is lying dead in a cabin. How did he die?  
(Those are just some riddles for you. :3)  
8. A man is lying dead in a burned down church/truck with a whore in the back. How did he di- Oh wait. Lawl, we all know the answer to that one.

Well that's it for now I guess.

Sincerely:::::O Pinto Três

----------

Dear The Chick Three,

Yeah, Matt apologizes for misleading some people. He just wanted to sound manly in order to fill in the large boots that comes with being seme…er, I did not admit anything. No, the manager doesn't have any e-mail address for me. Precisely why I'm using HER address to answer these weird questions of yours! But ironically, I can't sleep until I answer at least one. Blegh.

Oh, I hacked the manager's IM chat log and saw that mentioned. I agree with her, you and Aruslym. It just can't happen. They should love me, not each other.

Also, the manager's sister has been talking about having Disney movies as a guilty pleasure. Honestly, I can't remember the first Pocahontas and Bambi movies, but the sequels make me tear u—er…tear…under the…coffee mug…eh, whatever. I give up.

Fish have sex by spewing their eggs/semen out into the open water and hope they'll get fertilized by themselves. Other fish lay their eggs/spew their semen in shellfish and makes the shellfish protect/grow the eggs. Also, whales…have large dicks. 'Nuff said. …Ever wonder why oysters taste horrible, and why the ocean is salty? Then there you go.

1. Uhhhh…hard choice, eh. Matt? Near can be the White Rabbit that's running around the place, and is late for the party. Hah! He probably wasn't even invited!  
2. The squirrel makes a sound, I guess. It goes either "squeak!" or "squish!"  
3. I could beat him up, yes, but he's not worth having to travel all the way to Europe for. No way. Matt's PSP is worth more than that.  
4. ……Where did 4 go?  
5. Ooooh, that changes everything! Let me at him!  
6. He obviously forgot to bring extra underwear. You can die from that, yes.  
7. He ran out of clean underwear! D'OH.  
8. We certainly do.

Sincerely, Mello

* * *

**A/N: **TCT! I missed ya. XD; Please send Qs to: **snowrabbit399**(at)**gmail**(dot)**com**. 


	47. twistedNEK0 2

**A/N: **Near's replies are boring. He wouldn't know comedy if it crawled up in his ass and made him come. …Oops, PG-13, right. Sorry. Wanna vote for a Near replacement/invasion? Email me!

* * *

**From:** twistedNEK0  
**Subject:** Mello dahling  
Haha. I see that a few people are mentioning my horizontal tango comment quite a bit.

Attention. Yay!

Ahem, anyway, did you take up a hobby like I had suggested? Well, in case you hadn't you ought to read Harry Potter fanfiction of the Seamus Finnegan and Dean Thomas variety...I guess you can say that there's a chocolate vanilla thing going on there. :3

You'd love it.

What kinds of Tv shows do you like, if you even watch T.V.? I think I remember yourself or Matt mentioning you shooting the T.V. If you ever manage to keep a television long enough to actually watch it, buy Sensitive Pornagraph. Also make sure that you're watching it with Matt. On a coach. Or near a table. With melted chocolate and strawberries nearby.

This is undoubtedly ensure the ensuing of the Horizontal Tango.

No need to thank me. The images being projected into my head are enough.

-nosebleed-

If you dont happen to find Sensitive Pornagraph, get some Invader Zim Dvds...there is a good chance you'll love them, or hate them. Matt will love them though. (Hellooooooo Matt! 3)

Do you have a motto of any kind, dear Mello? Or Matt even? Or Near?

For you, I figured "Live fast, die young" suited you perfectly...especially because I can't bear to imagine a wrinkly, slouched, toothless, unsexy you in skin tight, low riding Gucci leather pants with a crop vest. Then, you'll be the polar opposite of a sex in human form, or a walking orgasm etc...etc...etc...

Until my next email, this will be my last question: Which version of yourself do you prefer more(since I know you dig both)? The anime version or the manga version?

Love,

twistednek0

P.S. Your looks were done great justice in the manga.

----------

Dear TwistedNEK0,  
Stop it with the horizontal tango! I can't take it. DX!! And the manager mentioned a 'perpendicular hula', too! Argh! …And I'm pretty sure Matt already bought Sensitive Pornagraph. But with the sounds I hear from his room while he's watching (not sure whether it's coming from him or the TV…), I don't think I'd like it…with, or without chocolate strawberries.

Mmm…chocolate strawberries.

Oh yeah, the manager also wants to find some Zim CDs. It's crazy, because her country doesn't sell them. And I think she wants to look for some Johnny the Homicidal Maniac books. Send her some, why don't you, so she'll stop annoying me.

"Die young?" ARE YOU IMPLYING THAT I'M D-E-D, DED?!?1!ONE1!ELEVENTYHUNDRED!!?QUESTIONMARK! …I didn't think so. ……Oh my god, you made me conscious after you mentioned "a wrinkly, slouched, toothless, unsexy" me. I……I can't bare the thought.

…Walking Orgasm? Nice. I think I'll use that.

I am like those fake CDs they sell in China. Often imitated, but never duplicated. Thus, manga or anime, they cannot compare to my true beauty. But yes, I am sexier in the manga. Although, Matt got more biceps in the anime.

Sincerely, the Walking Orgasm

* * *

**A/N: **So many updates. D: I'm getting left behind! I'm trying to answer them all because they're good questions…and Mello doesn't have to think too hard to make a joke about it. Although, we all know that this is how Mello truly is. He's like Near. Humorless. Lame. And yet, unlike Near, Mello is the WALKING ORGASM. Please send Qs (or opinions on Near inv/rep) to: **snowrabbit399**(at)**gmail**(dot)**com**. 


	48. Sakura3109

**A/N: **Geez…now that I try to be a good student and do my project early, the printer screws up. I…need…ink. D:!!

* * *

**From:** sakura3109  
**Subject:** Mello Qs thing  
hey mello,

i got a few questions...most to you, one or two for matt D

first...how do u pronounce mihael? is it like michael with out the ch or still pronounced michael? and similar to matt: is jeevas like saying jeeves except with 'vas' instead of 'ves'? sorry thats been bothering me...now back to mello...oh and did you know michael means 'who is like god'? fits well doesnt it?

theres a few songs that I imagine that would be on your mp3 or ipod or whatever you hold your music on...-ducks and hides in a bullet proof tent thing- well here they are:

1. barbie girl by aqua. im sorry but i can imagine you singing the girl part and matt as ken...  
2. good old-fashioned lover boy by queen. seems like it would be a duet between you and matt...  
3. rich girl by gwen stefani im pretty sure thats who it was that made it... eh...i dont know the reason for this one, but it seems like it would be on it...  
and i think thats it...there could be more...i dont know...  
oh and one more question: if someone was in a bullet proof vest when you were trying to shoot them or whatever, would you use a bullet vest proof gun to get past the vest?  
and thats it for now i guess...say hi to matt for me D and that if he ever needs a partner to play a video game, find me  
okay i gotta go now to finish getting ready for work

----------

Dear Sakura3109,

Mihael is pronounced as it is spelled (_mai-hel_). I don't know how many pronunciations of my name are buzzing between you fangirls, but I'm pretty sure I know my own name. And regarding Matt's name…yes, it's pronounced 'Jeeves' but with a slightly more obvious 'vas'. Kinda like an additional accent.

…But my name is not Michael! DX

1. My voice isn't THAT high! I am very much insulted! …Want some flowers?  
2. What the hell? Queen? What is wrrrrroooooonnnngggg wif ya! My voice is normal in pitch, range, dynamics, tone, everything! I ain't no Queen/Barbie Girl! DX!  
3. Gwen? Guh-ross.  
What kind of question is that? Shoot him in the arm! I mean, if you had an all-body bullet-proof vest, you can hardly move, and it would hardly be considered a vest (try jumpsuit). Bullet-vest-proof-gun bullets are more expensive than my Ferrero.

Matt can play 3 controllers at once. Who needs friends?

Sincerely, Mello

* * *

**A/N: **Mello makes sense with the bullet-proof thing. XD; And Queen's not bad. I kinda like their 'Killer Queen'…blame Guitar Hero. Haha. And I really am not fond of Gwen music-wise. But she's very pretty, I guess. Sorry! Anyway, please send your Qs to: **snowrabbit399**(at)**gmail**(dot)**com**. 


	49. The Chick Three 8 Invasions!

**A/N: **My stomach hurts. D: I've been reading doujinshi since yesterday, too. XD Pity my dial-up!

* * *

**From:** The Chick Three  
**Subject:** Myspace!  
Dearest Melon,

Your myspace account has officially been made! Of course, I had to make your own e-mail adress to get it... but now you have an MSN Live account too. Larf, I'm signed in under it now. xP Oh, and the myspace is actually for both you and Matt. So you have to share. Because I love Matt more than life.

Your myspace page URL is: **www**(dot)**myspace**(dot)**com**(slash)**melloandmatt**

I already sent your manager a friend request. And I'll probably but that link in my profile page so people will come add you... because right now your only friends are me and Tom. Lol you. EVERYONE, FEEL FREE TO ADD MELON AND MATT'S MYSPACE! And on MSN as well... because I guess he has an account on there now...

Enough caps. Down to business. I need to know more about you to fill up your myspace page. At the moment it's pretty much blank with a picture of you and Matt and a black background. Of course, Matt answers these too...

1. What do you want in the "About Me" section? Personal info? Opinions? Pictures of you two snogging?  
2. Who would you guys like to me:3 So then I'll put that in the "Who I'd Like To Meet" sec.  
3. For the general interest section, I'm thinking of just putting: Hunting Kira, eating chocolate, playing video games, mocking Near, and doing the perpendicular hula with each other m&m  
4. What are your favorite music artists/genres? You said you like the Rolling Stones? Hmm.  
5. OW. I just hit myself in the eye with my head phones D:! ... 0.o ANYWAYS. What are your favorite movies? Lawl, I should put The Little Mermaid and the other Disney films, because Melon obviously lurves those. -pokes-  
6. Hows about your favorite T.V. shows? I'm not sure if you're allowed to put Death Note... :3  
7. Matt said y'all don't like to read that much but I'm asking anyways...  
8. Who are your heroes? Besides me, of course.

Well that's it. :3 Unless you want any songs or particular pictures of yourselves in there. Although I did upload one of Matt in the tub.. Err... o.o I mean... I do NOT stalk Matt and take pictures of him in the bath! Geesh! Whatever were you guys thinking. D:

Oh and another thing... If Near just happens to hack in and read this e-mail I have a message for him: I saw you on the last episode of DN... and... YOU WERE FUSKIN' AMAZING, KIDDO! -huggles- You and Melon totally pwned the nasty rapist man:D (Light IS a rapist, just ask L.) I loved the last ep, even with a lack of m&m candies. What you said about you and Melon, together equaling L, I thought was cute. I was crying... Oh wait no, my FRIEND cried, because she loved Light. I hated Light, so I laughed. A lot. Serves him right for killing all the good guys like Melon and Matt and ESPECIALLY the Lawli-Pop. (Indirectly killing them, but still.) Besidesssssssss. He's not even that good-looking though he's supposed to be. C'mon, people. Matt's like, A THOUSAND times more attractive.

Okie, I'm babbling again, it ends now.

Sincerely::::::::Aadakouda Chikku Dore? (I'm pretty sure I will be shot by the Japanese for that sucky transalation)  
P.S. Aww, I missed thee as well, Sabaku-no-ai. XD;  
P.S.S. I wouldn't mind I little Nate from time to time. I think Near's kinda cute, y'know? Not in the "BOW CHICK WOWOW" way that Melon might get walking down the street... but in a "Oh... yeah I'd rape that" kinda way. Besides, I think I find Near funny when I'm not really supposed to. :3

----------

Dear The Chick Three,  
Unfair! I want to answer by myself! Matt always gives crap answ—ifrjkg…

…Do not! Rfdgrlg…

…See that? "Do not" is like, the lamest comeback in the history of comebacks! Get real, Matt. Why don't you just go suck some ba—jderl;snd…

-offline-  
…-beep!-  
-online-

Greetings. I see Mello and/or Matt's attempt to change the password of their computer has failed…it is _still_ "Homer Simpson". Tsk. I've never been one to get back at people, but nevertheless, this is just another chance to humiliate them like they did me back in the Whammy House. Eheh. –faint laughter-

1 I have managed to hack into another computer and obtained some pictures of them "snogging". Full-color, too. I will hack into your computer later and save them there.  
2. I know for a fact that they both want to meet the Ghostbusters.  
3. I would have preferred you put: shagging, making out, lobster-loving, and naked pillow fights. No questions asked.  
4. Mello actually likes Elton John. He just pretends he likes rock so that it won't ruin his image. Or theirs, but Matt's already a geek, so it'd hardly affect him as it would Mello. Sad, yes?  
5. Yes, indeed he does. Add in "Transformers" for Matt as well. And TMNT.  
6. Mello likes Martha. Let's leave it at that.  
7. Only things they've been reading are parking tickets.  
8. Me, obviously.

You obviously have stalker issues. Care to settle them in jail? …I'm knew you'd think I was "fuskin' amazing". …Have you not read the manga? I said it even then, too. And isn't that a spoiler? Hm. –throws a rubber duckie at you- …Really? I've always looked at Matt and Raito-san as the same. Except one is a freak and the other one is a dork.

Sincerely, Near  
ps. I am hardly offended/flattered (whichever you intended) with your statement. And besides, I've been rap—jller;jtt…

-offline-  
…-beep!-  
-online-

MATT, I GOT IT TO WORK AGAIN! THAT STUPID NEAR HACKED IN TO THE COMPUTER! DIDN'T YOU CHANGE THE PASSWORD?! Ugh, whatever! Anyway, for number one…—oh, is the letter over already? Uhm. Uh…this is awkward. D: …-sees rubber duckie on floor and runs away with it-

Sincerely, Mello and Matt

* * *

**A/N: **Awww, was I so obvious that I'd use Near?! D: I need fresher stuff! I'm becoming predictable! GASP. Please send your unpredictably awesome questions to: **snowrabbit399**(at)**gmail**(dot)**com**. And please add the myspace, too! XD; 


	50. 1 DeathGoddess 2

**A/N: **Phew. Hi guys! Sorry for the uber late update. I needed a break. Plus, school was also cramming up my day. I survive, tho, so here I am! As well as the gang.

* * *

**From:** 1 DeathGoddess  
**Subject:** Question about Questions and Warnings!  
Hiya Mello!

It's me again! OK, so have you noticed that there haven't actually been a lot of questions about your beauty secrets lately? I just kinda noticed. Not to hurt anyone's feeling, there have been some good questions though...

Of course you're not dead! ...whats-their-face-who-yelled-at-you-and-insisted-you're-dead is wrong!!!! Cause it would suck if it were true.

BTW...tell Matt to look out for The Chick Three, she has a desire to rape him... She told me so...oh, and tell L and Raito and everyone else to look out for my friends and I, we're all coming to forcefully marry you all to us. Ok, here's a beauty question...Do you wear your uber-cool jacket and black outfit in the summertime when it's hot? Isn't it uncomfortable?

Another BTW... I cut my hair like yours, although it will never be quite as good like yours! Your such an influence, be proud!

-- 1 DeathGoddess

----------

Dear 1 DeathGoddess,  
It's because people have accepted that even if they follow everything I do for…I dunno, forever, they still won't be like me; physical or otherwise! Er, maybe except Madonna. She can, like, do whatever she wants. Not like I'm happy with it, though.

Join the Mello-isn't-dead petition! It's the only thing I have going for me! D:

Matt knows of the dangers of people now through this Q&A thing. Especially I, but I'm fearless! So fangirls do not harm me! Hahahahah! Oh, and like 'ell am I gonna talk to that stupid Kira! DX! And L…uhm, like 'ell he's gonna marry you or your friends!

Do you think I'm stupid? Of course I don't wear those things when it's hot! It's impractical! And where I am right now is REALLY, REALLY hot. So…I'd rather go walking around butt-naked than wear my leather (just for this season). But since I'm a sadist, I won't give anyone the pleasure of seeing my…ahem.

If I were more proud than I am right now, I think my head'll explode. At least, that's what Matt says. And the manager. And L. And stupid Kira. And stupid Near. And…I don't know why they say that. I'm a very humble spirit!

Sincerely, Mello

* * *

**A/N: **For once, Mello isn't lying! It is WAY HOT! I think I'm going to die of heatstroke. D:! Anyway, send the Qs to: **snowrabbit399**(at)**gmail**(dot)**com**. 


	51. The Chick Three 9

**A/N: **They say you are at your best mood in the day at 4PM. And they're right, because that's usually when school gets out. :D!!

* * *

**From:** The Chick Three  
**Subject:** Wonderwalls  
HALLO MELON-KUN!!!

Near made a grammar error! o; I saw it, and it will have Melon-kun very pleased. Hahaha... Near, you can "hack my computer" anytime, kiddo. ;D

Sorry it took me so long to reply. I've been helping with your myspace, no? But now it's finally finished. Smexy and all! Isn't it? -pokes you- And I see you guys have been replying to all comments and shiz with my assistance. C: Near was a great help to know what you guys like -pats him on the head and hands him a cookie-.

Well there's still so much I need to know! And there have been numerous famous questions throughout history that I thought I would bring to your attention...

1. Who stole the cookies from the cookie jar?  
2. How 'bout them apples? (I hate apples. -barfs-)  
3. Whose line IS it anyways?  
4. WHO wants to be a millionaire?  
5. Deal or no deal?  
6. What's a Wonderwall anyways?  
7. Are you and Matt each others wonderwalls (whatever it is). Because I think that would be kawaii. Unless wonderwalls are like... porta potties. Larf.  
8. Will that rabbit on the TRIX cereal commercials EVER get to eat some TRIX?  
9. Hey there, Delilah. What's it like New York City?  
10. -on a cell phone- Can you hear me now?  
11. WWJCD? What would Jesus Christ do?  
12. Will you marry me... MATT?! (It's a famous question AND you can't blame a girl for asking.)  
13. Can anybody find meeeee... somebody to love?  
14. Where do babies come from? (Harhar...)  
15. Do you know the Muffin Man?

-sigh- That's enough for now I suppose. I had more yesterday. Oh yeah and CE4UW48W;'4I8'WSDUYA at that description of fishy baby making D:! Too graphic, Melon, too graphic! And AHHH!! YOU STOLE THE RUBBER DUCK NEAR GAVE ME, BETCH! YOU SHALL PAY! -chases after you-

Sincerely:::::The Chick Three (My translator ran out of languages D:!)

----------

Dear The Chick Three,

Near is a big fat liar who needs to work out more. AND GIVING HIM A COOKIE ISN'T HELPING HIS DIET! ……Ahahaha! Stupid Near can't write correctly! XD!!!

1. Near! That fatass!  
2. ……You mean who stole apples from the applejar?  
3. That show makes me lol and rofl and lmao. Eheh.  
4. I'm already a millionaire. ;D  
5. There's a local version of that show in my manager's country. Real funny.  
6. Isn't that a song? The manager likes that song.  
7. What the hell does 'larf' mean??  
8. No. Haha. Stupid bunny. That's what he gets for advertising for that crap cereal. Lucky Charms FTW.  
9. Ssh, don't sing that. The manager has bad memories with that song.  
10. What model is that? I'm not answering unless it's an iPhone.  
11. Kill himself (how emo).  
12. Matt is married to Tifa Lockheart and her bigass jugs, unfortunately. If you have biggerass jugs than Tifa, and can kick butt, then he agrees.  
13. I'm no dating service! DX!  
14. From a woman's 4O85;/ER'?a'EWEG. Yes.  
15. Yeah. He was the one who stole the apples from the applejar.

Well, you asked how they did it, and I answered! Besides, this thing's rating is up, so "fishy baby making" is allowed! TAKE BACK HIS COOKIE THEN! IT HAD CHOCOLATE IN IT! DX!!!

* * *

**A/N: **Regarding number 9, sorry. Haha. I dedicated that song to someone I liked, and the lyrics were on the first letter I sent to that person. But…well, yeah. Heartbreak. Ouch. Hahaha. Send your Qs to: **snowrabbit399**(at)**gmail**(dot)**com**! 


	52. Lizzy

**A/N: **Where'd all the questions go? XD

* * *

**From: **Lizzy  
**Subject: **Beauty Secrets  
Hi Mello 

mmkay, I just have a few questions for you:  
Are you Catholic? Or do you just wear that rosary as a fashion statement?  
Who gave you guys your aliases? And why does Near go by 'N'?  
[that's like, an alias for an alias, isn't that kind of excessive??  
Anyway, that's all for now. Say hi to Matt and Near for me!  
[yes, Near too.  
Lizzy

ps  
hey manager!

sorry i couldn't get you Zim, but here's some Johnny the Homocidal Maniac!! attached

----------

Dear Lizzy,  
I won't dignify that with an answer. My religion is mine. And I think the rosary looks good on me whether I'm Catholic or not. Heck, anything looks good on me!

Honestly, I don't remember who gave them to us. I just grew up with it. Some people say Roger or Watari gave them to us, but…eh, I guess so, y'know. They're not very creative… Anyway, Matt and I argue about who is 'M'. I win, of course…he just won't admit it. Hah!

Matt says "Yo."  
And like hell I'm talking to Near.

Sincerely, Mello

* * *

**A/N: **Thanks for the JtHM. XD 'Preciate it. So…yeah. Anyway, there haven't been that many questions lately. ;x Keep sending them!!! Mello commands you. So, send the Qs to: **snowrabbit399**(at)**gmail**(dot)**com**. 


	53. Flint

**A/N: **Friday the 13th really was unlucky for me. D: Hope you all had better.

* * *

**From: **Flint  
**Subject: **Beauty Secrets  
Mello,

I have several burning questions for you. Here's a short list:  
1.) I notice that a few other people who have sent you questions have nicknames for you. Naturally, I'd feel left out if I didn't get to call you something too. So, can I call you Mello - Yello?  
2.) I saw that when you were first introduced you had a totally different hairstyle. I actually didn't like it...but after the bomb incident you had a totally different style which was HOT!!! I spent about five minutes drooling at the picture. So a. did the bomb change your hairstyle, b. did Matt cut your hair? or c. Did you actually see a stylist? Personally I think that it was the bomb.  
3.) Now for a really stupid question. If I had five caramel chocolate chip cookies and I ate six, how many would I have left?  
4.) I think that you and Matt have more than platonic intentions towards each other because I have never seen a straight guy wear a shirt that reveals his midriff. That was more of a statement than a question, I know.  
5.) Have you read fanfiction between you and Matt? When you guys are f---ing, I noticed that some authoresses state that your burn is a 'sensitive' area. Aren't all the nerve endings dead there? 'Cause I have a bad burn on my hand and it doesn't feel like anything. I prodded it and it just felt like scar tissue ne?  
6.) How long have you been / were in the mafia?  
7.) Do you eat chocolate to stay slim because I switched to just cookies and ice cream for a few days and actually lost weight.  
8.) How many chocolate bars would I have to give you for me to borrow Matt for an afternoon? I recently built this cloning machine and I want to test it out...  
...I actually have no questions for Matt but tell him that I say hi!

Sincerely,  
Flint

----------

Dear Flint,

1 Ah, sure. Matt started calling me that, too, after reading some yaoi comic book. Whatever yaoi means. –scratches head-  
2. I actually didn't change my hair. It just appeared to seem that way because I grew taller by a little (Hahaha, I have beaten Near in height, who I suspect will have osteoporosis and grow even SHORTER!). And er, yeah, I guess Matt had to cut a little off because they were burnt or something. Not a very pretty sight.  
3. None. But you would have a horrible sense of mathematics and an imaginary cookie in your stomach. Taste good?  
4. Did it ever occur to you that maybe I just didn't have any money to buy a shirt that's actually my size? Wait…me? Without money? Never. I guess you're right then.  
5. Actually, burns can only affect the nerve endings if they are to a certain degree. First degree burns hurt because your nerve endings are still working, and are not affected. Second degree hurts, too, but still, the nerve endings aren't killed. Only in the third degree do they die, but when it's starting to scar and heal, that's when it hurts like shit.  
6. Since I left the Whammy House after giving up the L title to Near as a kid.  
7. Hmm…let me just do the math here…let's say…50…carry the 1…times 3…259 bars. Deal or no deal?

Sincerely, Mello

* * *

**A/N: **Yes, I guess Mello does watch Deal or No Deal. He likes laughing at the people who get a buck or any low prizes. Hehe. And so do I, I suppose. Send the Qs to: **snowrabbit399**(at)**gmail**(dot)**com**. 


	54. twistedNEK0 3

**A/N: **Thanks for those who are still sending questions!!

* * *

**From: **Twisted Neko  
**Subject: **Beauty Secrets  
Dear Mr. The walking orgasm,

Guess who's back...Anyway, this particular email is inspired by retarded little sister, who is also a chimp. She would like to know if, and I quote: "At the end of the day are you a stinky smelly, sweaty, nasty leathery mess?" This question the chimp offers also had me rather curious. Even in the winter time, in skin tight leather pants and vest of the Gucci quality must, by the laws of physics, get as hot as the sun. How do you cope with that?

Also, the missing link offers: "Do you wear bikini cut underwear? Or maybe thongs to hide the panty line in your skin tight pants? Is that why you're always pissed off? Permanent-wedgie-syndrome?"

I'd be mad too, but alas, I dont like flossing my butt...Although, I suggest that you parade around in a thong (preferably edible) in front of Matt. (Also, make sure Justin Timberlake's "Lovestoned" is playing in the background as you strut about :3) I swear, he'll never need to watch Sensitive Pornagraph again.

Then, the horizontal tango and/or perpendicular hula shall ensue.

(You'll bitch about it now, but you'll thank me later.)

Also, I suspect that, considering you're legal, you have a certain alcohol preference. Are you the kinda guy who can enjoy a Coors? Or maybe wine? Or maybe, being the high roller you are, buy Cristal? Even though I'm not legal, I enjoy the taste of Smirnoff Ice...it's what my cousin calls a creeper, since it tastes like soda. Speaking of which, as I was drinking it, I thought it WAS soda. So beware of that.

My sister also says that she: "Doesn't believe that you and Matt interacted enough." And by interacted, she means sex. I hope dear Matt complained about that; your loyal fan girls surely did.

(My sister is proclaim her undying love for you Matt. She loves that you're almost as awesome as she is. :3 Muah!)

My sister and I love you two to pieces, and believe that you should sex on tape much more often, then post said sex on youtube. 3

Love,  
Twistedneko and her sister.

P.S. My sister isn't a chimp.

----------

Dear TwistedNeko and chimp,  
I, the walking orgasm, am never sticky, smelly or a mess. In fact, I smell like sunshine all day! Beautiful, beautiful sunshine…no, I'm not stoned, shut up. And besides, I don't spend the whole day clothed, you know. I'll let you figure out what I'm implying.

Hahaha! Heheh! Lol! Roflmao! ……Who has any need for underwear??! I certainly don't. They give me rashes. And I think I'm hotter without red blotches near my crotch (aside from hickeys), thank you very much.

Matt should be the one parading around _me_, if ever!

I take Cristal occasionally. But most of the time, I take beer, because that's the only thing Matt buys from the grocery anyway…aside from chocolate.

Ah. I'm pretty sure Matt wanted more "interaction". But I was fine just sitting there, looking pretty, and blowing stuff up in the process. Aren't I awesome? I sure am. More so than your chimp sister. Eheh.

Sex videos, eh? I dunno. Matt probably videoed some without my knowing. So try looking anyway.

Sincerely, Mello  
ps. ………_Sure _she isn't.

* * *

**A/N: **Hohoho! Mello's as narcissistic as always. And yes, I agree with him that he doesn't need underwear. We'd all love to see that, yup. Please send questions! Send the Qs to: **snowrabbit399**(at)**gmail**(dot)**com**. 


	55. Krissy

**A/N: **I feel all warm and fuzzy inside when someone mentions me in their email. Kinda like how Mello feels all warm and fuzzy while making out with Matt eating lovely chocolate.

* * *

**From:** Krissy  
**Subject:** Beauty Secrets (Kinda I Guess)  
Dear Mello

'Ello! How's the weather where you're at? Okay, enough with the small talk time for questions.

1. I've noticed you where a rosary, though I've never seen you pray before. Where's the rosary from and how religious are you?  
2. Before the warehouse explosion your hair was in the bowl cut but afterwards it kinda got stringy wtf happend!?  
3. Is your closet filled with the exact same outfit? Cause you, Near, Matt, and L seem to wear the exact same outfit everyday. It's kinda funny.

HEY MATT! How's it goin? I didn't forget about you so here you go. Enjoy!  
1. From one red head to another, do you get sunburned often? Is that one of the reasons why you tend to stay indoors?  
2. If Mello told you to jump off a bridge would you do it?

That's all the Q's i think...-- eh. Have fun being in the mafia Mel. One thing though, I've noticed ppl keep saying you are pimpish. I really don't think so, but I could imagine you pimp slapping somebody. (Inside Krissy's imagination) WHERE'S MY CHOCOLATE HOE!!!

lol!

Sincerely,  
Krissy!  
p.s. thanks manager for giving the fangirls some entertainment.

----------

Dear Krissy,  
The weather is making me chafe. Leave me alone.

1. It's from the Pope, whom I killed…bwahahah! Kidding. I can't remember where it came from. And I don't need religion, really.  
2. Someone asked that already, as you said in a follow-up email. But as I said…some hair were all burned and stuff. Like hell I'm making a comeback with ugly hair. A scar, maybe, but ruined hair? NEVARRR.  
3. We don't. We just…have an industrious group of launderers. But it's kinda annoying, though. We have assigned clothes, but that Raito-geek can wear whatever he wants. Which is basically some dork blazer and tie, which went out of mainstream style since….49 A.D., but whatever.

This is MY question and answer thingy! NOT Matt's! He can kiss my ass befor he could get to ans—kdngeff…

…GTFO, blondie. Yo. Matt here.

1. Oh, someone who shares my pain. Yeah, I get burned real bad. It kinda sucks, because I can't tan. I just…burn. Like hell. That's why I'm wearing long sleeves, a large jacket to cover half of my face, and goggles to hide my freckles. Yeah, I'm your regular red-head. -sigh-  
2. For copies of the original Zelda, sure.

Haha. If you read The Chick Three's latest question thing, he admitted he is a pimp, and only a pimp.

…Holy shit, you have no idea how many times he actually does that. The only reply I can give is "I thought we agreed that I'm only your hoe in the bedroom! D:!"

Sincerely, Matt (and Mello, I guess)

* * *

**A/N: **P(retty) I(mpressive) M(anly) P(art). Yup. Mello is definitely a pimp. A statement supported by Matt, as shown here. So thanks for sending your questions! **(PS)** You're welcome. ;3 Keep sending Qs to: **snowrabbit399**(at)**gmail**(dot)**com**. 


	56. Pashchan 2

**A/N: **Halle sux0rz! Should I ban any mention of her? 8D

* * *

**From:** Pash-chan  
**Subject:** The Questions! (Part 2)  
Hello Mellie Mel, its Pash-chan again. (I read your response, I think you are without a doubt a closeted pimp.) With more questions than ever.

Have you ever thought of becoming a rock star? (Those leather pants need to be put to good use, also I need a Hot musician to groupie.)

How did you get addicted to chocolate? (Did L start the addiction? Were you two ever fighting tooth and nail for a chocolate bar?)

If you could do anything to Near's Toys what would do to them?

Is there anything going on between you and Halle? (That shower incident made me suspicious... not that I'm mad, I think you two would make a great couple... aside from You and Matt...)

What type of Fangirl do you like, and what type do you hate?

Well I gotta go!

Pash-chan

----------

Dear Pash-chan,

I admitted I was a pimp to The Chick Three already. But a lot of people have different definitions of what a pimp is. I have my own, too.

I am beyond a rock star, kiddo. I'm more famous than that…Rolling Rocks, and Guns With Roses. Hah. I can ring pretty good, too.

Yeah, L did. And no, we weren't fighting, really. He shared often. That's why I like him. Unlike Near, who is a selfish little fat-ass. He doesn't like sharing. That's why I'd like to be able to melt all his toys and mold it into a dildo. I'm sure he'd like that.

Halle? Who is that? Is it someone I slept with? Someone I killed, perhaps? I don't bother remembering those names anymore. ;D

The fangirl that doubles as a slave. Definitely.

Sincerely, Mello

* * *

**A/N: **Mello can sing?! Hell has officially frozen over, folks. And…oh my, did we just uncover some dirt on Near? Tsk tsk…we should investigate. Keep sending Qs to: **snowrabbit399**(at)**gmail**(dot)**com**. 


	57. The Chick Three 10

**A/N: **Sorry for the late update. These questions are a week old or something. Die, school! Anyway, here is more Mello goodness for you all. Er. A lot of sexual suggestions, too (Chick is turning Mello into a h00kahr…), so watch out. **(Belated?)** **HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHICK! MELLO GIVES YOU ALL THE LOVE HIS SEXY LITTLE BODY CAN MUSTER! **(or, at least, all the love we can force him to give you)

* * *

**From:** The Chick Three  
**Subject:** Sexual Cosplaying  
MELON!! -glomps- 

I'm in a total Melon fangirl mood today so watch out I'm coming for you. ;x

OI! I'm sure anybody who doesn't have a super-special-awesome and high-working metabolism like you and L is considered fat but Near is not fat. He's got some baby-chub and it's kawaii!

Hey I was wondering about something recently... do have leather pajamas? I would think that would be a little uncomfortable. Even on a daily basis, it must begin to chafe. If I were you, I would just go nude at night, if you don't already.

How many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop? (Lol, when I was typing that I accidentally wrote "How many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of Matt's tootsie pop?" Hahaha which is something we'd all love to know I'm sure -pokes you-)

Speaking of kinky relations with Cherry-top over there... I see that you've become more open about the subject. Y'know when you first started answering these questions you were totally in denial and trying to convince people that Matt loves melons instead (hence your new name). But now you're barely bothering to cover it up. I mean, sex tapes? Hickeys in the crotch region? Lololol, you're a bit of a hoe at heart, aren't you? Bahahaha I love it.

I was reading a yaoi m&m fic the other day about you feeling rejected from Matt because he payed more attention to his video games than you... And I came up with a crazy idea. Would you ever consider dressing up in some dirty cosplay outfit of a video game character to get Matt's attention? I was thinking since you're blond you could dress up in a Link outfit because that kid wears that short green skirty thing. Plus, I would love to see you with his lil elf hat on. Awww kawaii, yes? I know Matt would love it.

I could right a one shot about that... Seeing how I've been coming up with a lot of STRANGE ideas for fic lately. Like one where you and Misa go out to lunch and one where I make a DN version of Funny Face... Audrey Hepburn FTW!

A conversation came up where we were discussing you dying your hair to pink. Personally, I think that would look amazing. xP Though I'm perfectly alright with your Barbie-like look with the stereotypical blond hair and blue eyes of where you are from. Btw, has any body ever told you that you resembled the Dutch Boy on the paint cans when you were younger? I did. My friend who doesn't watch DN pointed out and was like "Is he Dutch? German? Ukrainian? One of those?" and was like "Harhar yeh he's from around there and he's a stereotype it seems. xP"

OMG MELON! My birthday is on Monday!!! Would you, Matty, and manager love to come celebrate with me? There will be cake and chocolate! Perhaps I'll even get a Near-looking piñata for you to beat around. Though I rather love Near to pieces so nya :/ I KNOW! I'll get a Takada piñata or a Kira piñata because I hate both of them! I wouldn't mind getting the real Mikami and beating him up with a bat because he's just there to make fun of. But I must have a party with Melon or else it just won't be a party.

I found this avvy of you and I don't know why but I find that you just look REALLY pretty in it. xD; I dunno if it's a feminine pretty or a masculine pretty or what but you just look muy rapeable in it. See: (link)

Flattering, yes?

And as long as thins e-mail is I think it's necessary seeing how I haven't sent one in while and I'm squeeing over you at the moment.

Luvs::::Chick  
P.S. yaoihot man love. :3

----------

Dear The Chick Three,  
Are you kidding me?!! I have never seen anything as fat as that fatty fat fat-ass named Near! I bet, if he jumped up into the sky, he'd get stuck. Yeah, that's right. Just like yo mama. GTFO.

I never said anything about being clothed at night. I never said anything about eating tootsie pops, either. And Matt doesn't have a tootsie pop. Not much of one, anyway. So, in utter embarrassment, he retreats to his room and bonds with his hand. I'll leave it to you to know what that means.

Melons : womanly chest fat :: Mello : manly hot smex. Agreed? Agreed.

It's all you people's fault for turning me into some kind of hoe. I'm a _pimp_, gahdemmet! A PIMP!!! P(retty) I(mpressive) M(anly) P(art). Hah!

Link has long blonde freak hair. And those freakish ears. For god's sakes, he wears leggings! He looks like freaking Legolas! Nay, he IS freaking Legolas! I've seen some pictures, though. They convinced me that Link is a freaking woman. I am not some freaking woman. …Freak.

Though Audrey Hepburn is not a freak. She's very attractive. Though too old for me…if she still were alive.

My eyes aren't blue. They're green. And yeah, the manager points that out sometimes. She makes fun of me because I can resemble some little fat Dutch boy if only I had shorts and suspenders, like the one in the paint can. Then, I make fun of her by forcing her to repaint the whole house. Bwahahah.

You "love Near to pieces"? Well, I suppose he could have been easier to love if he were in neat little packets, like ketchup and sugar. I love sugar. But once I beat up his piñata, he'll be in enough pieces for you to lavish your love on. Am I making sense? If not, I just meant that I'MMA KEEL NEAR AND RIP HIM INTO WIDDLE PACKETS OF KETCHUP! Dx!!!!

Got that right. I _am _the party.

And when do I not look pretty and muy rape able? Take note, though…you can't rape the willing. ;D

Sincerely, Mello

* * *

**A/N: **Happy birthday…happy birthday…happy birthday…! X3! Sorry I couldn't reply earlier, hun. I'm too lazy to force Mello into doing what I want, when I want, and for minimum wage. Keep sending Qs to: **snowrabbit399**(at)**gmail**(dot)**com**. 


	58. twistedNEK0 4

**A/N: **I have fangirls. Isn't that awesome? Like, dude.

* * *

**From:** Twistedneko  
**Subject:** Mello Jello M'Man  
Dear Mr.I-make-naive-sexy,

Hello again. I'm sure you consider yourself a rather hip guy, right? Right. Well, since you do, you ought to enlighten yourself, and find out what the hell yaoi is dear Mello. (You don't want to be proving dumb blond jokes true, do you?)

Speaking of which, go ask Matt for a demonstration of "yaoi" right now.

(Hello Matt! thumbs up/big big big grin)

I've also got another question for you Mello: What do you think of the rest of the cast of Death Note? Physically of course. Who,in your professional opinion, is the best looking cast member of Death Note? You're a selection that's excluded from this question since we know you'd pick yourself.On a scale of one to ten, ten being the best looking, how would you rate the looks of Raito? L? Near? Matt? MISA? Or anyone else?

Also, how do you feel about fangirls? Do you love us? God knows we love you...maybe too much even. :3

And to Matt...What's UP man? I'm going to go ahead and assume that you dig all kinds of games, so, PC games are included right? You dig the Sims? Maybe even dating sims? Or Stepmania?(A refreshing alternative to DDR for the rhythm impaired...this means YOU.) Also, have you consider eyeglasses maybe, to replace your goggles? Or are they just a novel fashion statement?

And to Miss Manager. Firstly, let me express how supremely awesome you are, I feel like I'm a fangirl of a girl.(this may be true actually)shakes pom poms

Getting Mello (and sometimes Matt) to give some attention to the fangirls is...nice. It's a nice (VERY NICE) sidestep from reality. I actually dont know if that's beneficial or not, but I'm thoroughly enjoying dodging the real world.

high fives

Love,  
Twistedneko 3

----------

Dear Twisted Neko,  
Got that right. I'm too hip for anyone. I'm even too hip for myself. I'm especially too hip for my pants. I lack the reason to wear them most of the time.

Blonde jokes are sick. But in a way, they're a damn good advantage. Guys think I'm some bimbo. You know, you're regular just-a-pretty-face kind of person. But when I kick them in between the legs and crush their hope of ever having offspring, they think otherwise. That is, of course, to be expected.

Matt says, "Sicko. I'll do it later."

……Yaoi's supposed to be sick? The manager always squeals at the mention of yaoi. It kinda sounds like some old Japanese tradition…all regal and noble. How do you pronounce it, though? _Yawi _or _Ya-oy_?

I can't pick like that. I need to compare someone to another. Since I can't pick myself, I'll just point out everyone else's flaws and crap fashion sense (as compared to me…perfection incarnated!). M'kay? Okay. Let's see…

Raito – His hair is too normal, his clothes are too fugly, his shoes aren't shiny, and he's mental. 2.  
L – Awesome hair, unique clothes and nicely done makeup (you don't _really _believe that he's an insomniac, right?). 9.99.  
Near – Fat, wears clothes that make him look even fatter…and his hair is like a battlefield. No comb can come out of it alive. –1.  
Matt – His hair looks like Kira's, he wears dumb swimming goggles even if he squeals like a girl every time he's in a pool, and he's voted most likely to develop osteoporosis. 99.9.  
Misa – She stole my role of the blonde-chick, I mean, person! And does she think she's the only one that looks good in a miniskirt, pigtails and platform shoes? HAH! You haven't seen Matt yet. 0!  
Anyone else – Fugly, fugly, fugly, and stupid. -38934.

Fangirls vandalized my Harley Davidson. They spray painted vivid sexual desires on it, and tied streamers and balloons to the wheel. But Matt admitted he put those colored strings on the handles. That bastard. So in terms of those kinds of fangirls, I hate them. Unless they buy me a new bike. Then I'll –eventually- learn to love them back. Maybe fulfill a few…dreams there. But that'd cost around, 10 Harleys.

…You better be lucky I suddenly got chocolate withdrawal and need to go to the kitchen to get some. Otherwise, I'd not let Matt answer any of your questions. Blegh.

…Sup, Matt here. Mello's such a meanie. …Yup. I love any game. Well, okay, not any game…some are really just crap. But most, sure, they're okay.

Holy shiz. I love the Sims. The manager wouldn't allow me to download any additional customizable stuff for Sims 2, but…gah. I admit, too, that I play with dating sims. I can make my own games, y'know. So I kinda have a dating sim with everyone in it. I'm the main character to win over, though. I think Mello's conceitedness is rubbing off me.

Stepmania? Hah. GTFO. …Glasses are for dorks. Look at Takami (or whatever his name is). He's beyond dork.

Sincerely, Mello & Matt

* * *

**A/N: **I am recognized. 8D This is kewl. Anyway, thanks! I managed to get Near into the mix, too, but the poor Brit is not funny. And dodging reality is supremely awesome. Kinda like you! Keep sending Qs to: **snowrabbit399**(at)**gmail**(dot)**com**. 


	59. Aruslym 6 Matt shares knowledge

**A/N: **Mello loves philosophical questions. Yup, he sure does. Yeah. Matt loves them, too, but it's primarily because he can answer them.

* * *

**From:** Arusylm  
**Subject:** (No Subject)  
HIYA MELON AND MATT (Near is too fat to gain recognition, fat bastard),

Yup, me again. Sorry it took so friggin' long to write, but I was stuck at  
a rehab camp for the blind and visionally impaired for two whole friggin'  
weeks without any smexy guys to stare at, mainly you and Matt of course.  
Ohoh, I got this new PC game Melon and Matt might like, you can download it  
from here ( and it's dropdead gorgeous, not to mention that one special ending is very…  
'special'. And Matt's in it! Yay! Matt you were so cute as a kid! x3

Okay blondie, yaoi is short for guy/guy love. Aka, you and Matt, Raito and  
L, etc etc, you get the point, but it usually refers to the more censored  
'you must be 18 or older' stuff.

Ne, Melon, didya manage to read Gravitation yet? I need someone to fangirl  
over the beauty that is Gravi with.

Ohoh! Do you watch Law and Order, Melon? Matt? Well, Matt probably  
doesn't, lazy bastard, too busy playing his games.

Okay, pointless question time for Melon and Matt (is Matt gets off his lazy  
ass to answer, that is)

1.If North is West, and South is North, then when does the wind blow East?  
2.What is the square route of Orange?  
3.If a triangle is happy, and a circle is sad, then what is a rectangle?  
4.If a dog travels into the future and bites his own tail, when does he feel it?  
5.If a man can talk to himself, then can a shadow cast a shadow?  
6.If yellow is 3, and blue is 7, then what number is brown?  
7.What is half of Tuesday?  
8.If a bird eats a frog and chokes to death, then who killed who?  
9.From what animal do we get cat gut?  
10.In which month do the Russians celebrate the October Revolution?  
11.From which animal are the Canary Islands in the Atlantic Ocean named after?  
12.What was King George VI's first name?  
13.What color is a purple finch?  
14.How long did the Hundred Years War last?  
15.Which country makes Panama hats?  
16.Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

Thank you fer your time! Ohwait, ONE LAST QUESTION. What the fuck was up  
with episode 37 of Death Note? You know, with Mikami stabbing himself with  
a pen and all of a sudden GALLONS of blood starts to EXPLODE from his chest?  
Yeah, it was like a Freddy Kruger movie gone wrong. xD

Aru

P.S. – Go here ( and type 'readonly' as the password. Trust me, you will not be disappointed. Read  
Pink Sniper, dear. Rag is pretty funny, too.

----------

Dear Aruslym,

He is indeed an extremely fat bastard. If he lost any weight, I bet his neck would look like a vagi—sorry, the manager made me watch Austin Powers. Anyway. Yeah, hi. You gave me the idea you were visually impaired or something. I mean…no offense to them or anything, but…that would suck.

The manager doesn't let us download anything. We only have dial-up, remember? But she's seen it from the MXM LJ community (yes kids, we're THAT canon), and wants to download it…or make someone download it for her, at least. Someone with faster internet. Ah…I thought 2007 was supposed to be technologically advanced.

Yeah, I know what it means. Leave me alone. I'm not that dumb…as of 20 minutes ago. …I don't have Gravitation. Near does. I tried to ask him for some, but I don't think he replied. Well, maybe he did. He's so fat he can't even talk beyond his fat cheeks. Har har. You should upload them like you did with Rag and Pink Sniper (yeah, I read them…you sick, sick fangirl).

Law and Order? Eh. I don't really like watching TV. I'm more of a…jazz music and religion channels kind of guy. Yeah…not.

I'll force Matt to answer. For your sake.  
……-thud-

…Er, hi, Matt here. I'm not a lazy bastard. Just a bastard. To prove it, I'll answer your pointless, philosophical questions in the most pointless, philosophical way that I can. Deal? Deal. 'Sides, when I read through them, I found out that the manager received a chain-letter with around a quarter of the same questions. Lucky me.

1. When Near starts to lose weight. Yeah. Never.  
2. …Apple? D;  
3. Schizophrenic…yuh. Or maybe emo.  
4. His future self feels it right that moment, in the 'future'. But the dog from the past should only feel it when he gets into the future in natural ways. Which is stupid, if you think about it.  
5. …why would it do that?  
6. Uhm. 13?  
7. Sundayish.  
8. They were just probably manipulated by Kira.  
9. Sheep.  
10. November, I think…'cuz their calendar is screwey.  
11. A dog.  
12. Holy shit, I know this! …Uhmm…Harold? Kidding. Albert.  
13. Red…right?  
14. 116 years.  
15. Ecuador, if I'm right.  
16. New Zealand.

Mikami's a n00b. Like Freddy Kruger. Freddy Kruger is a total king of n00bies. In a way, n00bies sound like boobies. Heheheh. …Yeah, shutting up.

Sincerely, Mello and Matt  
Ps. All Freddy Kruger movies are wrong.

* * *

**A/N: **I'm proud. I know most of these questions' answers. Matt's proud, too. And yes, the email is true. Want to send them more pointless, philosophical questions? Send them all to: **snowrabbit399**(at)**gmail**(dot)**com**. 


	60. Dark Pocholate 3 Matt invasion

**A/N: **I should really go to bed now. But since I love you all, I decided to stay up 5 extra hours to whine about how Mello is lazy to answer your questions.

* * *

**From:** Dark Pocholate  
**Subject:** I want to ask Mello...  
Dear Mello,

Hi. I'm back. You know, that girl you hate that said you were dead? Yeah that's me. I'm sure all your fangirls hate me, too. Actually, I myself am a fangirl, so I sincerely don't know if I should hate myself or whatever.

Anyway, with that sexy scar...does your left eye...you know, works? Can you actually see with it?

Your hairstyle, while you were at Wammy's house, did you choose it? Or was it Roger/Watari?

What about your clothes?

They say Watari is a pedophile, is this true?

The other day I saw some gay pictures of you and Near. They were cute. And so were those of you and Matt. And there was one were you were wearing cowboy boots. And I mean really cool cowboy boots. I want them. Aaaand you were wearing a ponytail. Which looked cool on you by the way.

Matt, what color are your eyes? I've heard they are green. The other day I found at home some glasses that looked like if they could be yours. They were green and their glasses were yellow. I told my cousin I would lend them to her because she's going to cosplay you. Ah, I'm going to buy a wig to cosplay Mello!

Matt, why is your hair green in the anime? The other day I made some sweet fanart of you. Hell yeah.

Mello, would you like it if Near took Kira's head to your -ehem- tomb -ehem-?

Aaand a stupid question: Will the real slim shady please stand up?

With loooooooooooove,

Dark Pocholate.

----------

Dear Dark Pocholate,

Yes, you should definitely hate yourself. Go be emo or something.

Yeah, I can still see through my left eye. It takes a little bit longer to blink though. Gross thought, yeah, but true. Leave me alone. And I chose my hair. They wanted it to be uniformed and short or whatever, but…yeah. For 3 years, I escaped from the barber's chair. Hey, did you know that Near's hair was really straight before? It's that weird habit of his that made it curly.

I chose it. …Watari is very much a pedophile. Maybe even more than Roger. But who am I kidding? There isn't anyone more pedophile-like than Roger. Ah, maybe except Watari. Confused? Don't be.

Ponytails ruin my hair and make it wavy. Blah. And what the hell? Me and Near?! Yeah, as if. I bet that's a doctored photo. And those pictures with Matt were stolen, I bet! I should sue. Yes, I should definitely sue.

Matt doesn't like divulging his eye color. Says he wants to remain as mysterious as possible. And…why glasses? Just buy tined swimming goggles. That's are all there is to it. And again, I'm hurt. Why a wig? Wigs can never show the beauty of my hair. No one else can every copy it either, but it's no excuse to wear a wig. You should be ash—sd;gj…

…Hiyo, Matt here. Mello had to go nighty-night on the floor over there. With some help from Mr. Wooden Bat. Anyway, yeah…apparently, some freak decided my hair should be green. Like, what the fuck. I'm no elf. And thanks for the fanart. I appreciate it. Mello would drool over it if he were awake.

…In a way, Near doing that would be really sweet. But the fact is, Mello's "tomb" is in the bathroom, which, we all agree, he was just locked in. A head as ugly as Kira's wouldn't go well with the rubber duckie wall-paper accents and potpourri. And it's hard to concentrate on…ahem, your business…when you have that doofus staring at you.

Sincerely, Matt  
Ps. No, the real Slimshady met up with Mr. Wooden Bat, too.

* * *

**A/N: **Matt and Mello are a little talkative today…anyway, do you have more questions? Sure you do! Send them all to: **snowrabbit399**(at)**gmail**(dot)**com**. 


	61. NiniaAnabelleJane

**A/N: **I just finished watching the DN anime again (well, part of it…I'll continue at a more convenient time…it's like, 1AM here, and I have school tomorrow). Melon came out. 8D;; I love his boa-like-thingy when he came out the second time. Woop. But I hate Nia-tan. D; I swear he's voiced by a girl. …Is he? It's just so high…as compared to Melon, who already had a low voice. Like, dude. Puberty's late for Nia.

* * *

**From:** NiniaAnabelleJane  
**Subject:** I HAVE CHOCOLATE!  
Dear Mello-sama,

Hiya!! Before I get to my questions I have to say this... You are so  
awesome!! My friend introduced my to Death Note and the only reason I liked  
it was because of YOU!!

... ok... now on to my questions! Yay!!

Alright, my first question is What kind of sports do you enjoy? I mean, you  
must like SOME sport!! Second, why chocolate? Why not ice cream, or  
strawberries? Or carrots?! (I love carrots...)Thirdly, why leather? Why?  
Leather is so... not comfy! Last, have you ever considered a haircut? I mean  
maybe if you didn't look like a secret transvestite people wouldn't mistake  
you as a girl!

Tell Matt-sama I said Hello!... And that I wish to marry him and play video  
games together for the rest of our lifes!!

P.S: Beauty question- If you could give Near or Raito (whichever one you  
hate more) a make over, what would you do to them?

You and Matt-sama's fangirl,  
NiniaAnabelleJane  
MELLO-SAMA AND MATT-SAMA LOVE!!

----------

Dear NiniaAnabelleJane,  
…That subject of your e-mail certainly caught my eye. And yes, yes, I know I'm awesome. Everyone loves me. Even Near…he just has yet to realize it. Nevertheless, you wouldn't like to waste an awesome person's time, would you? So let's get on with the questions.

Sport…I haven't done that many sports before. Jocks are dumb. All they think about are steroids and stimulants. Well my muscles are all natural and hard-earned. Er…it takes a lot of energy to lift a bar of chocolate to your face 24/7…yeah, energy and patience. And chocolate because…it's like the king of sweets. Like I am the king of awesome people. I'm sure you agree.

Carrots? ……Carrot cake. Sure. Carrot cake smothered in chocolate. Mm.

Leather may not be comfy looking, but it makes me look so damn good. …Ah, that was hurtful. If you really think of me as awesome, you would like my hair no matter what it looks like (perfect) or how smooth it is (very) or how long it may be (seductively). Are you calling me a tranny? Hah! I KNOW you just didn't.

Matt says you sound like that Misa girl. …He doesn't like that Misa girl.

I would prefer to give that idiot Kira a makeover. Like hell I'm touching Near. Raito will get a Stepford wife's haircut, dyed strawberry blonde. He's going to wear an apron all his life, and fishnets. Heels, too, if we can find one his size.

Sincerely, Mello

* * *

**A/N: **Do you have more questions for Mello? Words of love? Praise? Have a link to show, or a picture to share? Want to whine about how weird the anime was, as well as its ending? Then send them all to: **snowrabbit399**(at)**gmail**(dot)**com**. 


	62. Krissy 2 Matt invasion!

**A/N: **Haven't been that many updates lately. XD; School's been a bummer, eh.

* * *

From: Krissy  
Subject: BEAUTY AND THE MELLO!!! lol, that would be a funny movie wouldn't it?

First I'd like to say thanks to the manager for getting my questions answered (I was in far need of entertainment.)

Now for the actually beauty crap

Ello Ello Matt and Mello!!! omg! that rhymed! lol...yeah, shows how easily entertained i am right?

Mello I know what you mean about the weather. My jeans are just so uncomfortable in this heat! Course, I'm in sunny Florida so it's to be expected. --

Anywho, here are you question thingys. Yes, they're called thingys...DON'T JUDGE ME!!!

1. What was the best christmas present you ever got?  
2. What was your favorite subject in school?  
3. Do you have an ipod? If you do, how many songs are on it?  
and finally, 4. Have you ever watched the anime or read the manga and thought 'you know, i probably should have put a lot more thought into my plans' ?

Now for Matt. Ello!!! I understand about the struggles of being a red head. Though I had no idea you had freckles. lol cute!!! Personally, I'm cover in freckles, looks like someone took some brown paint and flicked it at me.

Questions:  
1. Does Mello sing in the shower? Is he really bad!!!  
2. I notice that your hair is pretty long (along with everyone else in DN but I digress. i'm pretty sure i spelled digress wrong.) Does it get in your eyes ofren and have you considered getting a hair cut?  
3. Where did you get that red car you drove. (to your death TTTT. I REFUSE TO BELIEVE IT THOUGH!!! ...okay enough with the crazziness.)  
Alright, just one more question/challenge for the both of you. If Near can guess it too then that's okay, if you can manage to get his emo ass outta bed.

-Can you guess my real name (krissy is ofcourse a nickname) You have to guess it right and spell it right.  
Don't ask why i'm asking. Just something I do to everyone. Have fun with that.  
Finally, hugs to the manager for helping me get out of my boredom, i owe you my sanity.

Much love to all of you!  
Krissy  
p.s. wow, i just noticed but this was a really long email. sorry!

----------

Dear Kristina(?),  
…I'm guessing. The manager says you're welcome. …And yes, you are uber lame, eh.

1. A box full of Toblerone. It fits all so neatly, y'know. The triangles and such…eh. Never mind. –ahem-  
2. I'm particularly confident in English. Near may be smart, but he barely talks, the little shit. So he's basically down at recitation. Pffah (mix between pfft and hah!).  
3. No, but I steal the manager's sometime. She has some…800+ songs on her 30GB, which is a total waste because she refuses to put more songs.  
4. That's an extremely personal question. But no. My plans were flawless. The people involved just screwed up like hell. Simple, really.

-grumble- This is supposed to be MY question and answer thing! Not Matt's! GFTO, you stupid dog—sd;gdjkve…

…Heh. Yo. Matt here.

1. Actually, Mello is a pretty good singer. He sings in Russian though, so while it sounds nice, you think he's talking alien or something.  
2. You spelled digress right, actually. And no, I like my hair this way. Them getting in my eyes isn't a problem because I have the goggles. _Seeee_? Now is it making sense?  
3. It's a Porsche. Awesome, no? (SSH. I AM ALIVE, I TELL YOU.)

And no, I'm afraid Near's emo ass is too fat to ever lift out of his bed/chair/floor. Me and Mello aren't strong enough, nor is Kira's powers. Tsk. Shame.

Sincerely, Matt and Mello  
Ps. Nah, we've gotten longer ones (thanks Chick..)

* * *

**A/N: **The Chick Three and Aruslym sends in the longest e-mails. Haha. It's most fun, you know. Thanks for waiting! I've been so lazy these days. Please continue sending them to: **snowrabbit399**(at)**gmail**(dot)**com**. 


	63. Kira Dx

**A/N: **Oh my…I hope I don't die anytime soon, eh.

* * *

From: Kira  
Subject: MELLO. PFFT.

Konbanwa, Mello-dono!  
Yeah, yeah. I saw that you were answering questions, so, I couldn't help but just sit there for a moment and talk to my favorite blonde-haired pimp; or ask questions.

Why do you keep insisting that Near is sooo much better than you!? Come on. I adore you WAY more than Near. If you didn't try so hard I'm sure you'd be able to.. uh... win!?

Gwah. I love your clothes. Where do you buy 'em? Or do you steal 'em? Or do you make 'em? I need those clothes. (I look like you, so, I'm assuming I'd look good in leather).

Also, do you like Matt-sama as a friend, boyfriend, husband, enemy, tool? I'd really like to know your point of view of him.

Your STRANGE friend,  
Kira.

----------

Dear Kira...PFFT.  
Your subject makes me laugh, eh.

And DAMN, if I knew this Q&A thing would attract Kira, I would have done this earlier rather than di—err, lock myself in the bathroom. Blegh. Shut up. I'm going to arrest you now, in the name of my Mafia powers and leathery awesomeness, 'kay? …I'm your favorite? Aw. Thanks. Maybe you just like me because I didn't get to catch you like Near did. IS THAT WHAT YOU ARE IMPLYING?! Huh? HUUUHHH?!

…I didn't think so.

Near is better than me in terms of grades. Though I'm way hotter, way funnier, and I have more friends. I'm more interesting, too. C'mon. Leather pants and chocolate versus pajamas and teddy bears? PFAH (mix between pfft and hah). And heck, I've already won. I just want to rub it in the kid's face.

I buy them, thank you very much. …With money I steal, but it's still the same. As I've answered in early emails, I got all my clothes from Gucci, and my shoes from Prada. Awesome, yeah? And hell would first freeze over before I pick up a needle to sew clothes. …I'm afraid I have to disagree when you say you look like me. I highly doubt it. I do not look like someone as disgusting and lame and idiotic and psychotic as Kira.

Matt's my dog. Sometimes puppy, sometimes mutt, sometimes Rotweiler-that's-gonna-bite-your-ass-if-you-touch-me.

Sincerely, Mello

* * *

**A/N: **THANK YOU Hee hee. Mello is so honest. And hopefully Kira-sama is pleased with his answers (plsdunkillmekthxbai). Hohoho. Anyway, please continue sending them to: **snowrabbit399**(at)**gmail**(dot)**com**. 


	64. Ezzy 1

**A/N: **I'm alive! …Just for this one. Maybe more if you send some really, _really_ interesting questions that is fairly easy to make a joke from. I've been a little lazy lately, as you can tell. ;D

* * *

From: Ezzy  
Subject: Mello - Beauty Secrets  
Dearest Mello/MnM (Mello, Near, and Matt, as well as Manager),

I'm aware that you seek competition with Near. However, how would you feel if Near were to die? Seriously? Don't worry, I won't tell Near.

I'm planning to buy a PS2 (I just have a GameCube and N64 right now, but I NEED DDR). I love Ouran High School Host Club and Princess Princess, so I hope to get those games for the PS2 as well, though they are only in Japanese. Has Matt played either of them? Does he know the shows? If he has played the games, what does he think of them?

As for Near, if he's around, he probably doesn't care, but please see if you can get him to tell us about his hair (not that it's better than your hair, just out of curiosity). Is it natural? I know, YOU said it's curly because he curls it around his fingers so much, but I'm not sure I believe it, since he only does that to one area of his hair that I've seen, not his whole head. And how about the color?

Also, do your clothes chafe? (Actually, you already answered that without anyone asking, but I was going to ask it before I read it.) And do you use a moisturizer or cream on your scar, in particular? And how is Matt so much more distracted by e-mail and working for you than by video games, as it seems everyone keeps saying he is always playing video games? I'm glad he finds time to spend with you between Final Fantasy and pudding marathons. I think melon is yummy. (For the purpose of your nicknames, I hope that Matt agrees and has some for breakfast.)

With otaku fangirl love,  
Ezzy

P.S. Thank you, hard-working Manager Sabaku-no-Ai... for all your... hard work. -hug-

----------

Dear Ezzy,  
I don't necessarily seek competition. It's just there. That evil twit is thinking quietly to himself his plans to overthrow me in everything! To usurp my reign of manly-tude over the Whammy household and its inhabitants! There's CERTAINLY no other reason on why he keeps to himself and looks at me with that…look. Ugh, it makes me shiver with hatred.

Yes, pure hatred.

So to answer you question, if Near were to die, I'd first want to find out how, and if it is because of a person, I'd slap them silly for killing him before I do. Afterwards, I'll congratulate him and we can have a beer or something.

I don't know much about those game things, but let me tell you: I'm pretty sure Matt doesn't play Princess Princess. If anyone does, it would be you and Near.

Speaking of which, why would he be around? You think I'd let him anywhere near my hou…er—the house I stay in at present?! H3LL NAW!!1! Over my dead body. No, over Near's dead body! I'm too pretty to die. The world will implode without me.

….But I'll answer for him, if you don't mind.

No! It's not natural, I tell you! You only know Near for a while. I've known him my whole life! He started twirling on the left side. He, thankfully, knew it was a dumb idea to keep only one side curly, so his hand migrated over to the east. There you have it. I've got to tell you though. It was hilarious when he twirls near his ears. He finally admits that he's insane.

And actually…the color is not natural, either. I'm pretty sure it came from one out of many attempts to fit in the kingdom of manly-tude and be cool by dying his hair. Apparently, Near is colorblind, and thus switched the bright green with the white.

Honestly, they do sometimes. And I use creams, ointments, everything I can grab that works and is expensive. You peasants can't do that or else you'd spend all your life-savings. Hahahaha!

Matt, in addition to regularly checking the e-mail, has a World of Warcraft window open. It's not easy to drive him away from those wretched games. Ohh, the stuff I did just to get him to start working. Tsk tsk.

Melons are watery and tasteless.  
Matt isn't usually awake for breakfast, that is if he chooses to sleep for once.

Sincerely, Mello

ps. Lol, hard work? -scoffs- Hardly work. ;D

* * *

**A/N: **Hmmmm…have any more questions? I MIIIIIGHT just revive this is I have any cool ones to answer—uh, I mean, force Mello/Matt/Near to answer. Send ALL questions to: **snowrabbit399**(at)**gmail**(dot)**com**. Thanks! 


End file.
